Mary Sue and the MSTing of Badfic
by Jinxmenow
Summary: The Jinxmenow Network tackles the worst in Harry Potter Mary Sue stories, including the infamous Rose Potter, the Girl Who Lived saga. Like it...or don't!
1. Prologue of Sorts

MARY SUE AND THE MSTING OF BADFIC

Introduction:

_Author's note: My first story. Constructive criticism encouraged. Flames will be MSTed and obliterated. I do not ow-_

_You know what? I _do _own Harry Potter. Suck on _that, _JK Rowling! Also, I do not own the Girl Who Lived, or any Mary Sue badfic I may spork/MST in the future. Sorry for any spelling errors, as I am typing this on a word processor that does not have spellcheck, although I am looking at a dictionary website to check it against the more difficult words. Onward!_

It was Michel Gondry that said "Every good idea borders on the stupid." Indeed, but it is also true that most bad ideas come from ideas that sound good on paper. "Let's make a book about incredibly sexy vampires, it'll sell like hotcakes", "Let's make an epic CGI-explosion movie to update the Transformers franchise", and so on. However, I have no idea what went through the head of this author as she wrote _The Girl Who Lived_. The closest thing I can come to for a summary is "FemNudist!Harry beats on OutOfCharacter!Ron/everybody else with supermagical Druid abilities. Grrrrrl power and all that, I suppose.

The story is baffling in its execution, crap in its storytelling, and absolutely vile in its characterization. Or perhaps it's baffling in characterization, crap in execution, and absolutely vile in storytelling. Whatever it is, it's bad. This story may or may not be one of the longest Harry Potter Mary Sue stories out there, almost the same length as the book series. That's a whole lot of shit to work through here, folks.

For those of you not familiar with the idea of an MST, it is an idea adapted from cult classic TV Series _Mystery Science Theater 3000, _or in shorthand, _MST3k_. In the show, Joel and his trusty robots would watch incredibly bad science-fiction/horror movies and make fun of them with hilarious wisecracks. In recent years, this has been adapted to fanfiction format, being seen on such websites as _An MSTing for All Seasons _and _Everything What is Crap_. I heavily recommend those for people who are new to the idea of MSTing/sporking.

The format for the MSTing will go like this:

[Horrible line from the fanfiction will go here, in italics.]

[Line from me, in bold.]

As the Jinxmenow Fanfiction Motto goes, Like It...Or Don't!

Enjoy.


	2. Chapter 1: Badfic with Bacon

Chapter One:

_There are about six billion and three (my humble estimate) fanfictions out there called The Girl Who Lived. My mistake, sorry. I was referring to the Rose Potter series in particular. We shall start the story now._

WooWooWooWooWooWooWooWooWooW ooWoWooWooWooWooWooWooWooWoo Woo

_Nearly ten years had passed since the Dursleys had woken up to find me on the front step, but Privet Drive had hardly changed at all._

**Except for my sudden, inexplicable lack of a penis.**

_The sun rose on the same tidy front gardens and lit up the brass number four on the Dursley's front door; it crept into the their living room, which was almost exactly the same as it had been on the night when Mr. Dursley had seen that fateful news report about owls being sighted all across the country._

**The sun will sneak into your house and steal all of your belongings, just you wait.**

_Only the photographs on the mantelpiece really showed how much time had passed._

**Some of them date back to Celtic times.**

_Ten years ago, there had been lots of pictures of what looked like a large pink beach ball wearing different-coloured bobble hats – but Dudley Dursley was no longer a baby, and now photographs showed a large blonde boy riding his first bicycle, on a roundabout at the fair, playing a computer game with his father, being hugged and kissed by his mother._

**Hey, Vernon Dursley plays videogames! He's hip to the kids!**

_The room held no sign that I lived in the house too. _

**What room? The mantelpiece room?**

_Yet I was still there, asleep at the moment, but not for long._

**I couldn't brag about myself properly while I was **_**asleep, **_**silly goose!**

_My Aunt Petunia was awake and it was her shrill voice which made the first noise of the day, "Up! Get up! Now!"_

**Oh, are you sure about that? Are you sure there was NO NOISE PRIOR TO THIS? ARE YOU SURE?**

_I woke with a start._

**I was thankful, though, as now I could talk about my body in intimate detail, starting with the breasts.**

_My aunt rapped on the door again._

"_Up!" she screeched._

**Hey, that's how you raise a broomstick.**

_I heard her walking towards the kitchen and then the sound of the frying pan being put on the cooker._

**Wow, she must have super-hearing.**

_I rolled onto my back and tried to remember the dream I had been having._

**Allow me to describe it.**

_It had been a good one._

_There had been a flying motorbike in it._

**People played card games on them.**

_I had a funny feeling I'd had the same dream before._

**But instead of focusing on that, let's focus on **_THIS!_

_My aunt was back outside the door._

"_Are you up yet?" she demanded._

**For Chrissake, when are you going to tell me what you look like?**

"_Nearly," I replied._

**I'm bored, I replied.**

"_Well, get a move on, I want you to look after the bacon._

**We're going on a trip to Calcutta for the winter holidays, and we need you to make sure the bacon gets fed twice a day and has fresh water and newspaper.**

_And don't you dare let it burn, I want everything perfect on Duddy's birthday."_

**I suppose Dudley really is a dud.**

_I inwardly groaned and my lip curled into a disgusted scowl. _

**Usually, scowls indicate disgust.**

_Dudley's birthday – how could I have forgotten?_

**After all, the entire world revolves around him.**

_I got slowly out of bed and started looking for socks._

**I don't recall there being a bed in the stairs closet before...**

_I found a pair under my bed and, after pulling a spider off one of them, put them on._

**The spider? She put on the spider?**

_I was used to spiders, because the cupboard under the stairs was full of them, and that was where I slept._

_When I was dressed I went down the hall into the kitchen._

**When I arrived, I was greeted by the smell of burnt bacon and Vernon, holding a chainsaw, grinning wickedly.**

_The table was almost hidden beneath all of Dudley's birthday presents._

**Granted, the table was only around three inches tall.**

_It looked as though Dudley had got the new computer he wanted, not to mention the second television and the racing bike._

**Why does he even need a television? Has he never heard of Youtube?**

_Exactly why Dudley wanted a racing bike was a mystery to me, as Dudley was very fat and hated exercise – unless it involved punching somebody._

**Perhaps he will run somebody over with it. That would be exciting.**

_Dudley's favourite punching bag had been me, until I was seven years old._

**Oh, this is where the fun begins, folks.**

_As during the first year of Primary Schooling a teacher had witnessed Dudley's attempt to catch me, and had taken me under his wing so to speak, and taught me martial arts classes every day after school. _

**No more anime for you, Rose Potter.**

_When I had a full year of classes under her belt, I got tired one day of being chased by Dudley and stood my ground._

**And I accidentally screwed up first person perspective.**

_The result being that Dudley had to go to the Doctor for a cast on his arm, which I had neatly broken, it startled me that I had that much strength._

**Well, IN-character Vernon would have Rose Potter (who hasn't given her name or description yet) to crocodiles for that.**

_By the time I was nine, not a single boy in school dared approach me, as Dudley and his gang suffered more visits to the Doctor for their attempts to beat me up._

**Holy crap you're a sociopath. And it only gets worse.**

_My Sensei was also befuddled at the almost unnatural strength that I showed, many punching bags had to be replaced over time. _

**Allow me to remind you repeatedly that I am a ninja.**

_I didn't look it, but I was also very fast._

**And mentally slow.**

_Perhaps it had something to do with living in a dark cupboard, but I looked small and skinny for my age, as all I had to wear were old clothes of Dudley's and Dudley was about four times bigger than I was._

**Huh, she can't even get gender-specific clothing for herself.**

I _had a thin face, knobbly knees, long black hair that reached to my shoulders, and bright green eyes._

**No glasses though. Why is that?**

_The only thing I liked about my own appearance was a very thin scar on my forehead which was shaped like a bolt of lightning._

**At least she doesn't describe her womanly parts in agonizing detail. But don't worry-that'll happen later.**

_I had had it as long as I could remember and the first question I could ever remember asking my Aunt Petunia was how I had got it._

**The first question I would've asked would be why I have to sleep in a cupboard under the stairs.**

"_In the car crash when your parents died," she had said._

**It must be difficult to drive when you've been magically fried.**

"_And don't ask questions."_

**The Dursleys are practically the Mafia.**

_Don't ask questions – that was the first rule for a quiet life with the Dursleys._

_Uncle Vernon entered the kitchen as I was turning over the bacon._

**I just couldn't watch them, man. It's too much.**

"_Comb your hair!" he barked, by way of morning greeting._

**I suddenly have a burning hatred of Uncle Vernon, since that's how my dad greets me every other morning or so.**

_I inwardly scoffed at that, it would have helped if they provided me with a brush, but I only had my fingers and the elastics that I got from my Sensei._

**ninja**

_About once a week, Uncle Vernon looked over the top of his newspaper and shouted that I needed a haircut._

**Come on, Vernon, she's a girl.**

_I must have had more haircuts than the rest of the girls in my class put together, but it made no difference, my hair simply grew back to the length and style that I currently had. _

**because ninja**

_I was frying eggs by the time Dudley arrived in the kitchen with his mother._

**That's surprising. You'd think the lardass would smell bacon and come running. Or waddling, whatever.**

_Dudley looked a lot like Uncle Vernon._

**Description time!**

_He had a large, pink face, not much neck, small, watery blue eyes and thick, blond hair that lay smoothly on his thick, fat head._

**Pay attention, there'll be a quiz later.**

_Aunt Petunia often said that Dudley looked like a baby angel – I often said that Dudley looked like a pig in a wig._

**No, you said he was a beachball.**

_I put the plates of egg and bacon on the table, which was difficult as there wasn't much room._

**Oh, yeah, the small table.**

_Dudley, meanwhile, was counting his presents._

**Unfortunately, he can only count to two.**

_His face fell._

**Dudley! You lost your face! Don't worry; I'll get you a new one!**

"_Thirty six," he said, looking at his mother and father._

**Okay, maybe more than two.**

"_That's two less than last year."_

**I can't believe he bothered to remember that.**

"_Darling, you haven't counted Auntie Marge's present, see, its here under this big one from Mommy and Daddy."_

_**They're all enablers. The whole lot of them.**_

"_All right, thirty seven then," said Dudley, going red in the face._

**And then he had to sit down and rest from all the mental strain.**

_I could see a huge Dudley tantrum coming on, so in precaution began wolfing down my bacon as fast as possible in case Dudley turned the table over._

**I thought the Dursleys didn't feed her!**

It _disgusted me that Dudley was spoiled so much, when I was younger I was jealous, but that faded as my Sensei taught me the way's of life and some minor easy to understand philosophy._

**Mind telling us what that was?**

_Dudley was a spoiled little brat, who had absolutely no appreciation for the luxury his life had._

**Soapbox time.**

_You only had to look at television news to see starving children in war torn countries for that. _

**You see, she's better than Harry, she cares about starving Africans or whatever.**

_**Aunt Petunia obviously also scented danger too, because she said quickly: "And we'll buy you another two presents while we're out today.**_

_**Scented**_** danger?**

_How's that, popkin?"_

**Suddenly, she's Nigel Thornberry**

_Dudley thought for a moment._

**But only for a little while.**

_It looked like hard work._

**Darn it, I make the jokes here.**

_Finally he said slowly: "So I'll have thirty…"_

**"That's close enough, dearie."**

_Thirty nine you ignoramus- I thought exasperated._

**Such a sweet child.**

"_Thirty-nine, sweetums," said Aunt Petunia. _

**Again: enabler.**

"_Oh," said Dudley and sat down heavily and grabbed the nearest parcel._

**Just had to use the word **_**heavily, **_**didn't you.**

"_All right then."_

**I think Dudley's bipolar.**

_Uncle Vernon chuckled._

**And I think Vernon's schitzophrenic.**

"_Little tyke wants his money worth, just like his father._

**I always give dem hoes my money's worth.**

_Atta boy, Dudley!"_

**Here's ten dollars. Go get 'em!**

_He ruffled Dudley's hair._

**and ate some delicious Ruffles potato chips.**

_At that moment the telephone rang and Aunt Petunia went to answer it while Uncle Vernon and I watched Dudley unwrap the racing bike, a cine-camera, a remote-control aeroplane, sixteen new computer games and a video recorder._

**What on earth does he need all this shit for?**

_He was ripping the paper off a gold wristwatch when Aunt Petunia came back from the telephone, looking both angry and worried._

**"This story's goin' nowhere, Vernon!"**

"_Bad news, Vernon," she said._

**Petunia: "Figg can't take the Sue." [seriously, every MST I've seen of this story has that line.]**

"_Mrs. Figg's broken her leg._

**"She tripped on a convenient plot device"**

_She can't take her."_

**I don't think anybody can take Rose Potter.**

_She jerked her head in my direction._

**She jerked so hard her head came off.**

_Dudley's mouth fell open in horror but my heart gave a leap._

**He wasn't quite old enough to appreciate women's logic.**


	3. Chapter 2: Council of Mystery

Chapter Two

_To one of my three or so fans, yes I did look at soccerisawesome17's work. It's pretty good, although Dramione is not my cup of tea. Also, thank you so much for this reception. It's difficult when you're just starting out. A third point, it turns out there actually is a Mary Sue Network, or something along the lines. __ .com__ It's a candy place. There is also a Mary Sue that deals in nerd nonsense, found here __ .com__ So that's nice, I suppose. Here is the next bit, before the reptile house section._

WooWooWooWooWoWooWooWooWooWo oWooWooWooWooWooWooWooWooWoo Woo

_Every year on Dudley's birthday his parents took him and a friend out for the day, to adventure parks, hamburger bars or the cinema._

_**Hamburger bars?**_

_Every year, I was left behind with Mrs. Figg, a mad old lady who lived two streets away._

**She was mad about drunk drivers, presumably.**

_I hated it there._

**The house smelled of the corpses left to dry on the front lawn.**

_The whole house smelled of cabbage and Mrs Figg made me look at photographs of all the cats she'd ever owned. _

**She repeatedly showed me videos of people she had disemboweled, and things like that.**

"_Now what?" said Aunt Petunia, looking furiously at me as though I'd planned this._

**Of course, I **_**had**_** planned it. Because why the hell not.**

_I knew I ought to feel sorry that Mrs Figg had broken her leg, but it wasn't easy when I reminded myself it would be a whole year before I had to look at Tibbles, Snowy, Mr Paws and Tufty again._

**Of course, I had been trying to **_**kill**_** her, but breaking her leg was an okay substitute.**

_The Dursley's now debated what to do with me, I actually found herself not caring much about it, if they left me here, I could go in the backyard and practice some martial arts, but that weighed with having fun in the city._

**I will never let you forget I am a ninja, even though it amounts to nothing over the course of the story.**

_The Dursley's often spoke about me like this, as though I wasn't there – or rather, as though I was something very nasty that couldn't understand them, like a slug._

**It's like the author is dangling joke opportunities in front of my face.**

"_You could just leave me here," I said hopefully._

**Might as well let a psychotic ninja run the house while you're gone.**

_Aunt Petunia looked like she just swallowed a lemon._

**In an ironic twist, she **_**did**_**, in fact, swallow a whole lemon at that very moment. She choked and died.**

"_And come back to find the house in ruins?" she snarled._

**Considering that she's a ninja, that's quite possible.**

"_I won't blow up the house," I replied, but they weren't listening._

**I don't think she has given her first name yet. That's disgustingly poor writing right there.**

"_I suppose we could take her to the zoo," said Aunt Petunia slowly, "and leave her in the car."_

**No, Petunia! We already have issues with Child Services! This'll just make 'em more mad!**

"_The car's new, she's not sitting in there alone," replied Vernon._

**She hasn't been house-trained yet.**

_Dudley began to cry loudly._

**What a god-damned wuss.**

_In fact, he wasn't really crying, it had been years since he'd really cried, but he knew that if he screwed up his face and wailed, his mother would give him anything he wanted._

**Can he wail for an end to this story?**

_It was by a word – pathetic. _

**While it was **_**close to**_** pathetic, the word was actually **_**pasta**_**. Remember everybody, **_**pasta**_**.**

"_I…don't…want…her…t-t-to come!" yelled Dudley between huge pretend sobs._

**Dudley always wants to come before she does.**

"_She always spoils everything!"_

**God knows nothing spoils by itself.**

_He shot me a nasty grin through the gap in his mother's arms._

**Holy shit, Petunia has a hole in her arm! Call an ambulance!**

_I merely placed my small fist on the table and cracked my knuckles threateningly while glaring at Dudley._

**Uncle Vernon, who was sitting at the table this whole time, looked shocked for a moment,and then curbstomped me for such a threatening gesture.**

_For all Dudley's brute force, he never fought fair, and was a coward through and through, he never picked on anyone his own size, not that there were many of those around._

**Why would you do a silly thing like explain a character's personality through **_**actions**_** when you can do it much easier through **_**MORE FUCKING EXPOSITION**_

_Dudley quickly lost his grin and his face turned white and looked away._

**Late on a Friday, my husband went up to the mountains with his three friends...**

**[Look it up, young 'uns!]**

_Just then, the doorbell rang – "Oh, Good Lord, they're here!" said Aunt Petunia frantically – and a moment later, Dudley's best friend, Piers Polkiss, walked in with his mother._

**For whatever reason, I see "piss" when I look at his name. And now, you will too. Forever.**

_Piers was a scrawny boy with a face like a rat._

**Amusingly enough, he has the same initials as Peter Pettigrew.**

_He was usually the one who held people's arms behind their backs while Dudley hit them._

**"Take that, back!" POW! BAM!**

_I had found myself in that position as well once, a nice rear snap kick to Piers groin had got me out of that one, and the rat boy had walked awkwardly for a week._

**Ah, yes, more of the old ultraviolence. And if you think that's bad, wait until she **_**stops wearing clothes**_**. I'm dead fuckin' serious.**

_Dudley stopped pretending to cry at once, as his best friend came in. _

**If he looked weak in front of Piss Polkiss, then Piss might want to be on top more often.**

_Half an hour later I couldn't believe my luck, I was sitting in the back of the Dursleys' car with Piers and Dudley, on the way to the zoo for the first time in my life._

**I wonder if this is part of a grand conspiracy to sell her to a zoo. Like in that movie, Zoolander. I never actually watched that one, but I assume it's about that.**

_My aunt and uncle hadn't been able to think of anything else to do with me, but before they'd left Uncle Vernon had taken me aside. _

**And left her there.**

"_I'm warning you," he had said, putting his large purple face right up close to mine, "I'm warning you now, girl – any funny business, anything at all – and you'll be in that cupboard from now until Christmas."_

**We're never told how far away it is from Christmas, anyway. It's before the summer holidays, at least.**

_My jaw clenched in anger, all it would take would be one flat palm strike to Uncle Vernon's nose and he would be booking time at the Plastic surgeon._

**This is the sort of thing a kid would write before he shot up his school. I'm not kidding, she actually performs physical violence later. And it's disgustingly mean-spirited.**

_But if my Sensei had instilled one virtue in me, then it was to always use the arts for self-defence only._

**"Always use the arts for self defense only."**

**ALWAYS USE THE ARTS FOR SELF DEFENCE ONLY**

**ALWAYS USE THE ARTS FOR SELF DEFENSE ONLY**

**Remember that, it'll come up later.**

_I took a deep breath and calmed my anger and mind, letting it go 'as water splashing off my back' I recited the mantra in my mind. _

**What the fuck is this sentence? As an English major, I am both horrified and confused. It's like a poorly-written **_**Blue Velvet**_**.**

"_I'm not going to do anything," I said, "honestly…"_

**"I'll kill you all someday," I muttered under my breath.**

_But Uncle Vernon didn't believe me._

**Wonder why that is.**

_No one ever did, except my Sensei._

**Who would bother training such a borderline sociopath? The Tendos?**

_The problem was, despite my totally unnatural strength (my Sensei said it should have belonged to a three men in their prime), other strange things often happened around me and it was just no good telling the Dursleys that I didn't make them happen._

**Copyfromthebook Time! *puts on hilarious music***

_Once, Aunt Petunia, tired of me coming back from the salon looking as though I hadn't been at all, had taken a pair of kitchen scissors and cut my hair so short I was almost bald, except for my fringe, which she left 'to hide that horrible scar'._

**I hear the "fringe" is coming back. Apparently, it has something to do with supernatural mystery and television.**

_Dudley had laughed himself silly at me, and I spent a sleepless night imagining school the next day, where I was already laughed at for my baggy boy's clothes._

**Again, why doesn't she have at least really crappy gender-appropriate clothes? We could have a hilarious scene in which a grumpy Vernon unwillingly heads to a thrift shop to buy Raggedy-Ann-style clothes for the bitch, but it never happens. I am apparently smarter than this person.**

_Next morning, however, I had got up to find my hair exactly as it had been before Aunt Petunia had sheared it off._

**I attribute that to my awesome ninja magic.**

_I had been given a week in the cupboard for this, even though I had tried to explain that I couldn't explain how it had grown back so quickly. _

**Just want to point out that I am a ninja, because I will drill that fact into your head some more later. *drill drill drill***

_Another time, Aunt Petunia had been trying to force me into a revolting old jumper of Dudley's (brown with orange bobbles)._

**Bobbles? What the hell is that?**

_The harder she tried to pull it over my head, the smaller it seemed to become, until finally it might have fitted a glove puppet, but certainly wouldn't fit me._

**If these parents spoil Dudley so much, why does he have such a pile of crap in his wardrobe?**

_Aunt Petunia had decided it must have shrunk in the wash and, to my great relief, I wasn't punished. _

**It's difficult providing commentary-at this point in the story, it's just the books, except stupid.**

_On the other hand, I'd got into terrible trouble for being found on the roof of the school kitchens._

**I was pretending to be Donatello, the greatest ninja turtle.**

_Dudley's gang had been chasing me as usual when, as much to my own surprise as anyone else's, there I was sitting on the chimney._

**Santa Claus kindly asked me to get out of his way.**

_Despite my Sensei's_

**NINJA**

_attempts to smooth things over with the Headmistress, the Dursleys had received a very angry letter telling them that I had been climbing the school all I'd tried to do was jump behind the big bins outside the kitchen doors._

**using ninjutsu**

_I had discussed this with my Sensei and three years later I had perfected an astonishing ability, but one which my Sensei had admonished me never to use unless absolutely necessary._

**Oh yes, the astonishing ability, which I assume is jumping really high. That generally astonished five-year-olds when the Green Ranger does it.**

_But today, nothing was going to go wrong._

**#foreshadowing**

_It grated on me that it had to be with Dudley and Piers that I would be spending the day somewhere that wasn't school, my cupboard or Mrs Figg's cabbage-smelling living room._

**Grated – verb**

**to furnish with a grate or grates**

_While he drove, Uncle Vernon complained to Aunt Petunia._

**"I sure am evil and mean! More puppy meat, Petunia?"**

_He liked to complain about things: people at work, me, the council, me, the bank and me were just a few of his favourite subjects._

**Does Vernon work for a shadowy council that orchestrates the workings of an Orwellian England? Because that would be interesting.**

_This morning it was motorbikes._

**"Can you believe they made a cartoon about card games on **_**motorcycles**_**? What is wrong with youth these days?**

"…_roaring along like maniacs, the young hoodlums," he said, as a motorbike overtook them._

**Suddenly, the motorbike swerved and crashed into the moderately-sized sedan, sending it swirling off the road. There was a scream, a clash, and finally nothing. My final thoughts were of how much my life had been wasted. The end.**

"_I had a dream about a motorbike," I said, remembering suddenly._

**Gentlemen, they're called **_**motorcycles**_**. Cycles.**

"_It was flying."_

**What a preponderously ridiculous concept for a **_**dream**_**.**

_Uncle Vernon nearly crashed into the car in front._

**Maybe he should have payed more attention. Members of the secret shadow council/pseudo-mafia need to be constantly alert.**

_He turned right around in his seat and yelled at me, his face like a gigantic beetroot with a moustache, "MOTORBIKES DON'T FLY!"_

**Uncle Vernon as Commander Julius Root.**

_Dudley and Piers sniggered, but silenced themselves when I glared at them. _

**They both shot themselves with guns, using silencers.**

"_I know they don't" I responded._

**You're not using a comma in that sentence I responded.**

"_It was only a dream."_

**Famous last words right there.**

_It was a very sunny Saturday and the zoo was crowded with families._

**Coincedentally, it was also full of animals.**

_The Dursleys bought Dudley and Piers large chocolate ice-creams at the entrance and then, because the smiling lady in the van had asked me what I wanted before they could hurry me away, they bought me a cheap lemon ice lolly._

**I couldn't eat it, though. I'm anorexic.**

_It wasn't bad either, I thought, licking it as we watched a gorilla scratching its head and looking remarkably like Dudley, except that it wasn't blond. _

**However, Dudley scratches himself more.**

_That was the best morning I'd had in a long time._

**Except for yesterday, when I set a cat on fire and blamed Mrs. Figg for it.**

_I was careful to walk a little way apart from the Dursleys so that Dudley and Piers, who were starting to get bored with the animals by lunch time, so I would be ready if they lapsed into a regression and decide to – try - and hit me._

**I don't know what to be distracted by more, the fact that this sentence runs on forever or the fact that, apparently, Dudley is de-aging.**

_They ate in the zoo restaurant and when Dudley had a tantrum because his knickerbocker glory wasn't big enough, Uncle Vernon bought him another one and I was allowed to finish the first. _

**I looked it up. Knickerbocker glories are these huge fruit-ice-cream concoctions. They actually sound delicious.**

_I felt, afterwards, that I should have known it was all too good to last. _

**Hindsight really is 20/20**

_After lunch we went to the reptile house._

**There, interestingly enough, we found many reptiles.**

_It was cool and dark in here, with lit windows all along the walls._

**Reminds me of my house in Minecraft.**

WooWooWooWooWooWooWooWooWooW ooWooWooWooWooWooWooWooWoWoo Woo

AN: So, that was interesting! The Reptile House section is up next, which I out of devotion to Daniel Handler, will call The Reptile Room. Watch out the next segment, _Chapter Three: And his Flying Circus_

That's seriously what I'm going to call it.


	4. Chapter 3: And his Flying Circus

Chapter Three

_I'm sorry that this bit and the next few are going to have a lack of funny to them. This part of the story is the boring part. In the HMS STFU recap of this story, it's only like ten lines. This is not where the meat of the shit is, suffice it to say. Also, I am sorry about the poor quality of the last chapter, including a tense disagreement. I am still attempting to figure out this convoluted website, anyway. Here we go, round the twist:_

_Behind the glass, all sorts of lizards and snakes were crawling and slithering over bits of wood and stone._

**Generally, that is what you find in a reptile house.**

_Dudley and Piers wanted to see huge, poisonous cobras and thick, man-crushing pythons._

**The Monty Pythons**

_Dudley quickly found the largest snake in the place._

**"This parrot has **_**ceased to be**_**!" the snake said, to an adoring audience of hipsters.**

_It could have wrapped its body twice around Uncle Vernon's car and crushed it into a dustbin – but at the moment it didn't look in the mood._

**Holy shit! Phew, thought something might actually happen for a minute.**

_In fact it was fast asleep. _

**It's like in Pokemon: "It's fast asleep"**

_Dudley stood with his nose pressed against the glass, staring at the glistening brown coils._

**...eww?**

"_Make it move," he whined at his father._

**You want some fancy cheese to go with that whine?**

_Uncle Vernon tapped on the glass, but the snake didn't budge. _

**It was busy dreaming up hours of dull, conventional filler to put distance between all the funny stuff.**

"_This is boring," moaned Dudley and shuffled away. _

**Perhaps we'll meet a Seinfeld Snake, or a Louie Lizard, or a Black Adder.**

_I moved in front of the tank and looked intently at the snake._

**Allow me to describe it in excruciating detail. It was about eight feet long, about two and a half meters for you European types...**

_I wouldn't have been surprised if it had died of boredom itself – no company except stupid people drumming their fingers on the glass trying to disturb it all day long._

**The zoo people tried to give it a mouse for company, but the snake ate it.**

_It was worse than having a cupboard as a bedroom, where the only visitor was Aunt Petunia hammering on the door to wake you up – at least I got to visit the rest of the house._

**Except for the fact that they lock you in a small room with poor ventillation and insects, leaving you there while they do other things, drumming their fingers on the door to disturb you.**

_The snake suddenly opened its beady eyes._

**Plot twist!**

_Slowly, very slowly, it raised its head until its eyes were on a level with mine._

**I don't remember this scene dragging on forever in the book. Maybe it's because it's broken up line by line while someone complains about how tedious it is.**

_It winked._

***wink***

_I stared in astonishment._

***stare***

_Then I looked quickly around to see if anyone was watching._

**Nobody was, because the aforementioned Black Adder ate them all, and smugly leered at me with its beady eyes.**

_No one was._

**See? I told you.**

_I looked back at the snake and winked too._

**Hey, sexy.**

_The snake jerked its head towards Uncle Vernon and Dudley, and then raised its eyes to the ceiling._

**Everybody screamed at the sight of the floating eyes.**

_It gave me a look that said quite plainly: "I get that all the time."_

**It's like she has some stupid kind of snake-telepathy or something.**

"_I know," I murmured through the glass, though I wasn't sure the snake could hear me._

**I often carry on long conversations with animals who may not be listening to me. As far as you know, I am perfectly sane and do not have women chained up in my basement (don't come looking for me).**

"_It must be really annoying."_

**No shit.**

_The snake nodded vigorously._

***nod***

"_Where do you come from anyway?" I asked._

**All the lonely reptiles, where dooooo they all come frommmm...**

_The snake jabbed its tail at a little sign next to the glass._

**It said, "Don't disturb the animals".**

_I peered at it. _

***peer***

_Boa Constrictor, Brazil._

**Oh, the dark science-fiction comedy movie.**

"_Was it nice there?"_

**Yes, ask the snake about it.**

_The boa constrictor jabbed its tail at the sign again and I read on: This specimen was bred in the zoo._

**She must have that "no peripheral vision" disease you see so much in movies and books.**

"_Oh, I see – so you've never been to Brazil?"_

**This is clearly a smart, intelligent person we are working with here.**

_As the snake shook its head, a deafening shout behind me made us both jump._

**And then I was deaf.**

"_DUDLEY!_

**FLIIIIIINNTTSSTTOOOOONNNNEEE E!**

_MR DURSLEY!_

_**OH, MR. ANDERSON!**_

_COME AND LOOK AT THIS SNAKE!_

**It's a snaaake! A snaaaaake! Badger badger badger badger badger...**

_YOU WONT BELIVE WHAT IT'S DOING!"_

**Wont : verb**

**to accustom (a person), as to a thing.**

_Dudley came waddling towards them as fast as he could._

**Dudley is so fat, the only way he can move is to flail about helplessly like a drunken Gundam pilot.**

"_Out of the way, you," he said, punching me in the ribs._

**Where's your ninja power now, bitch?**

_Caught by surprise, I fell backwards and stuck my right leg behind my left and let the momentum carry me in a backwards roll, which I had practiced so often with my Sensei, I could do it in my sleep._

**Oh. Well, I'm sure that that will be useful in the future. [IT ISN'T]**

_I was on her feet a moment after and I was consumed by anger and rage, at that moment I felt something inside me reach out._

**Dahling... (Reach out...) Come on girl, reach out for me! (Reach out...) Reach out for me! Hah! I'll be there... **

_What came next happened so fast, no one saw how it happened, except for me. _

**I do agree that she counts as nobody...**

_One second, Piers and Dudley were leaning right up close to the glass; next, they fell forward with howls of horror._

**Wait, so you **_**didn't**_** see how it happened! You just saw a thing, and then another thing with no knowledge of the in-between!**

_I gasped; the glass front of the boa constrictor's tank had vanished._

**maaaaaagiiiiiiic**

_The great snake was uncoiling itself rapidly, slithering out onto the floor – people throughout the reptile house screamed and started running for the exits._

**The Seinfeld Snake was engaged in a pointless conversation with the Louie Lizard, who looked generally bored and aggravated.**

_As the snake slid swiftly past me, I heard that in a low hissing voice the snake said, "Brazil, here I come … thankssss senoirita…"_

**YOU SPELLED IT WRONG! MALDITA LA ORTOGRAFIA, ROSE POTTER!**

_It was then that I noticed an unfortunate side effect of the vanishing glass, Dudley and Piers had leaned so hard on it, that when it disappeared they fell forward into the tank._

**You could say that it was the first in a series of unfortunate events.**

_But now that I looked again, the glass had reappeared, and the two crying boys were trapped inside._

**They were crying? What pussies! My dad used to throw me into dangerous zoo exhibits all the time! It was male bonding.**

_The situation as a whole then caught up with me and I could not stop the wide malicious grin that grew on my face._

**"Ha ha, I delight in human misery."**

_It was lucky that I had such good mental discipline otherwise I would have been rolling on the floor in laughter – in my opinion Dudley had just found his true home. _

**Death To Smoochy is a more kindhearted work of fiction than this.**

_But Uncle Vernon had noticed my expression._

**Well, your grin is as wide as a ten-foot-pole...**

_And when we were back in Number four, he waited until Piers had left the house before starting in on me._

**He grabbed me by the wrist and pushed me down against the bed, and then...**

**(that doesn't actually happen.)**

_He was so angry he could hardly speak._

**He could only whisper in a choked, strangled voice wherein which I could only hear fragments of his violent threats. (isn't that more entertaining?)**

_He managed to say, "Go – cupboard – stay – no meals," before he collapsed into a chair and Aunt Petunia had to run and get him a large brandy._

**Unfortunately, he didn't just need a drink. He had actually had a stroke.**

_xxxx_

**"If you look up in the sky, you can see the Lazy Scene Change constellation, shining bright as the sun."**

_I lay in my dark cupboard much later, wishing I had a watch._

**You should've stolen Dudley's. He won't be in the story long enough to use it.**

_I didn't know what time it was and I couldn't be sure the Dursleys were asleep yet._

**So I knocked out each of them with a baseball bat, and dragged their unconscious bodies to the basement...**

_Until they were, I couldn't risk sneaking to the kitchen for some food. _

_**Dune**_** had less explanation than this!**

_I'd lived with the Dursleys almost ten years, ten miserable years, as long as I could remember, ever since I'd been a baby and my parents had died in that car crash._

**Two of the nameless casualties of the latest Die Hard movie.**

_I couldn't remember being in the car when my parents had died._

**Perhaps there was no car.**

_Sometimes, when I strained my memory during long hours in the cupboard, I came up with a strange vision: a blinding flash of green light and a burning pain on my forehead._

**Perhaps the car was actually **_**the DeLorean**_**.**

_This, I supposed, was the crash, though I couldn't imagine where all the green light came from. _

**Perhaps it was, you know, a **_**traffic light**_**.**

_I couldn't remember my parents at all._

**Presumably, this is because they died.**

_My aunt and uncle never spoke about them, and of course I was forbidden to ask questions._

**Vernon's shadowy mafia council forbids questions.**

_There were no photographs of them in the house._

**Because, you know, they were dead.**

_When I had been younger, I had dreamed and dreamed of some unknown relation coming to take me away, but it had never happened; the Dursleys were my only family._

**Well, there's Aunt Marge and the spiders.**

_Yet sometimes I thought that strangers in the street seemed to know me._

**They were rabid JK Rowling fans, grasping for articles of clothing and locks of hair.**

_Very strange strangers they were too._

**You see, the word "strangers" has the base word "strange"-as in, they are people who are strange to you.**

_A tiny man in a violet top hat had bowed to me once while out shopping with Aunt Petunia and Dudley._

**Well, she thinks **_**everybody**_** should bow down to her.**

_A wild looking old woman dressed all in green had waved merrily at me once on a bus._

**Mrs. Frizzle?**

_A bald man in a very long purple coat had actually shaken my hand in the street the other day and then walked away without a word. _

**He was later arrested for public indecency, as all he wore was that purple coat.**

_At school, I only had my Sensei, but no friends my own age._

**ninja**

_Everyone knew that Dudley's gang hated that odd Rose Potter in my baggy old clothes and nobody liked to disagree with Dudley's gang._

**AN: That's where chapter one ends. As you can see, it's long, tedious, and mostly copied straight out of the canon. However, this is not the bad part. It gets worse. Far, far worse than anything you could have imagined possible. There is canon rape, but eventually there is regular rape. And it's not a Dursley thing, or a Snape thing, or even a Malfoy thing. It's a good guy thing. (PS: I may try writing an original fanfiction one day. For now, this is a good start.) (PPS: I had to change one line, but that's because asterisks don't show up on FFnet for some reason.)**

**Wish me luck, friends.**


	5. Chapter 4: Playing with Your Stick

Chapter 4: Playing with Your Stick

I decided that I was sick of the bullcrap and was going to post an entire chapter of the book. I would be going nowhere fast if I meandered around it, so here it is. Rose Potter meets Minerva and the Sueishness shines through a little more. Also, promote this fanfiction! Third, what makes a Mary Sue is not the indestructible personality that she/he possesses. It's what they do to a story. _One Punch Man_ (and, if you want me to keep it confined to HP fanfic, _Oh God Not Again)_ are great looks into the idea of a hero who can do no wrong. Mary Sues, by their very nature, suck all the attention of the story away from them. Everything in the story supports the Sue. That is why we read this story today. But anyways, on with the show.

WooWoWooWooWooWooWooWooWooWo oWooWooWooWooWooWooWooWooWoo Woo

_The escape of the Brazilian boa constrictor earned me, my longest ever punishment._

**Uncle Vernon stapled her to a wall whilst throwing sharp objects at her and shrieking incomprehensibly.**

_I never _

**...yes?**

_By the time I was allowed out of my cupboard again, the summer holidays had started and Dudley had already broken his new cine-camera,_

**She had been in there since January.**

_crashed his remote control aeroplane and, first time on his racing bike, knocked down old Mrs Figg as she crossed Privet Drive on her "crutches"._

**You see, she uses quotation marks there because the crutches were actually machineguns. Dudley would die that same day.**

_I was glad school was over. But I hated to stay in the house._

**Then go outside.**

_This was why I spent so much time outside it, wandering around and thinking about the end of the holidays, where I could see a tiny ray of hope. When September came I would be going off to secondary school_

**Boo! Boo school!**

_and for the first time in my life, I wouldn't be with Dudley._

**Because Dudley's so charismatic, she couldn't bear to be apart from him.**

_Dudley had a place at Uncle Vernon's old school, Smeltings._

**That's where the kids learn how to be metalworkers, right?**

_Piers Polkiss was going there too. I on the other hand, was going to Stonewall High, the local comprehensive. I was looking forward to the opportunity to start fresh. One day in July, Aunt Petunia took Dudley to London to buy his Smeltings uniform,_

**Presumably to buy it from Drillbits R Us**

_leaving me at Mrs Figg's. Mrs Figg wasn't as bad as usual._

**The policemen had made sure of that.**

_It turned out she'd broken her leg tripping over one of her cats and she didn't seem quite as fond of them as before._

**So she killed and skinned them, and had a nice fur coat made.**

_She let me watch television and gave me a bit of chocolate cake that tasted as though she'd had it for several years._

**Rose spent a great many hours afterword with uncontrollable and violent diarrhea, simultaneously vomiting in between complaints and reminders that she was a ninja.**

_That evening, Dudley paraded pranced around the living-room for the family in his brand-new uniform. Smeltings boys wore Speedos maroon tailcoats, orange knickerbockers and flat straw hats called boaters._

**That was the most unbelieveably British sentence I have ever read.**

_They also carried knobbly sticks,_

**Oh, of course.**

_used for "hitting" each other while the teachers weren't looking. This was supposed to be good training for later life._

**An important and valued skill in the metallurgy industry.**

_As I looked at Dudley in his new knickerbockers Uncle Vernon said gruffly that it was the proud moment of his life. Aunt Petunia burst into tears and said she couldn't believe it was her ickle Dudleykins, he looked so handsome and grown-up! I did not trust myself to speak._

**If the Dursleys remembered that I existed for even one second, this would never see the light of /b/. Also, you've confused your superlatives.**

_I thought two of my ribs might have already cracked from trying not to laugh._

**She finds it kind of funny, but I find it kind of sad.**

_There was a horrible smell in the kitchen next morning when I went in for breakfast. It seemed to be coming from a large metal tub in the sink. I went to have a look. The tub was full of _

**Semen. It was full of semen!**

_what looked like dirty rags swimming in grey water._

"_What's this?" I asked Aunt Petunia._

**There's color everywhere, there's white things in the air.**

_I looked in the bowl again. "Oh," I said feigning a dash of sarcasm into my words, "I didn't realise it had to be so wet."_

"_Don't be stupid," snapped Aunt Petunia._

"**If you think they're wet now, just wait 'till you start working the streets!" **

"_I'm dyeing some old skirts and things grey for you. It'll look like everyone else's when I've finished." I seriously doubted this, but thought it best not to argue. _

**"It's best you learn conformity now, so it can be more easily beaten into you later."**

_Dudley and Uncle Vernon came in, both with wrinkled noses because of the smell from _

**Vernon, who had not showered in three weeks**

_my new uniform. Uncle Vernon opened his newspaper as usual and Dudley banged his Smeltings stick,_

***pfffft* hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha hahahaha**

_which he carried everywhere, on the table._

**This reminds me of some song about a guy with a detatchable body part.**

_They heard the click of the letter-box and flop of letters on the doormat._

**"Ow" came a muffled voice from the doormat.**

"_Get the post Dudley," said Uncle Vernon from behind his paper._

**Dudley moved to get onto his skateboard and flopped his way over, using his Smeltings stick as a propulsion device.**

"_Make Rose get it."_

**HOLY SHIT. WE NOW KNOW HER NAME. THIS IS A HUGE DEAL, GUYS.**

"_Get the post, Rose."_

_With a scowl I went to get the post. Three things lay on the doormat: _

**A Playgirl, an offer from Weight Watchers, and a random plot device**

_a postcard for Uncle Vernon's sister Marge, who was holidaying on the Isle of Wight, a brown envelope that looked like a bill and – a letter for me._

_I picked it up and stared at it,_

***stare***

_my heart twanging like a giant elastic band._

**Rose has a serious heart condition.**

_No one, ever, in my whole life, had written to me. Who would? I had no friends, no other relatives. _

**Well, there's your sensei, but presumably he's too busy with his Icha Icha Paradise, and being a useless, quickly-abandoned character.**

_Yet here it was, addressed so plainly there could be no mistake:_

_Ms R.J. Potter_

_The Cupboard under the Stairs_

_4 Privet Drive_

_Little Whinging_

_Surrey_

**Mary Sue**

**Scanner**

**Copy/Paste Tool**

**Microsoft Word 2003**

**Hell**

**Much better.**

_The envelope was thick and heavy, made of yellowish parchment, and the address was written in emerald-green ink. There was no stamp. Turning the envelope over, my hand trembling, I saw a purple wax seal bearing a coat of arms; a lion, an eagle, a badger and a snake surrounding a large letter 'H'. _

**How can I stretch this description out longer? The sky is blue. The grass is green. The prose is purple.**

"_Hurry up, girl bitch!" shouted Uncle Vernon from the kitchen. "What are you doing,_

** You've stared at that damn envelope for three hours!**

_checking for letter-bombs?" He chuckled at his own joke._

**Haha, letter bombs kill people.**

_I went back to the kitchen, still staring at the charred remains of my letter. I handed Uncle Vernon the bill, and the postcard, sat down and slowly began to open the yellow envelope._

**Inside I found a small, thin scrap of paper. Written in scrawled black ink it said **_**Psych!**_

"_Dad!" said Dudley suddenly, "Dad, Rose's got something!"_

"**Quick! Kill the sue before she opens the plot vortex!" **

_I was at the point of unfolding her letter, but with lightening_

**Don't you mean **_**lightning**_**?**

_quick reflexes shoved it down my shirt, before Uncle Vernon could snatch it out of my hand. I should have known that this would happen. That they would try to deprive me of the only letter I had ever gotten in my life;_

**Your sensei doesn't bother to send you letters because he's too busy [insert anime reference here].**

_my only hope. It took one look to know that Uncle Vernon would not stop until he had the letter,_

**You know, part of me hopes he gets the damn thing so that we can be spared the pain that's surely coming later. **

_his grubby sausage like hands were was encroaching on my personal space special place, and I was sure he was not above ripping my baggy shirt off to get the letter, _

**You know, you really didn't need to include that description.**

_never mind that I didn't even have a bra on underneath. _

**Sure, why the fuck not. Remember when I said there was rape, but it wasn't a Dursley thing? That doesn't happen here. There is **_**no reason**_** for the author to include this skeevy description.**

_I instantly fell into a balanced stance with my side to Uncle Vernon, my arms tucked in and protecting my rib cage while my hands were ready around my face, ready to deflect, and strike back. With a surge of adrenaline, my mind slipped into Void. Void was a term my Sensei used to describe_

**the emptiness between worlds that Time Lords travel through**

_a state of awareness which was all encompassing, it allowed you to see everything that was happening around you all at once and time slowed to a snails pace, at least, it was that way for me._

**Oh, the ****Byakugan time dialation**** incredibly unique thing you just thought up.**

_Uncle Vernon's hand was almost ready to _**fondle** _grab me, when I used the outside of my right hand to deflect the encroaching limb's path to move past me to the right, my left leg came forward to stand behind my Uncle's legs and with a snap my left flat palm hit his elbow while I pulled his hand toward me. I could not hear the sickening crack as Uncle Vernon's arm was grotesquely broken, but from the expression of pain on his chubby face I could imagine how this hurt._

**What the **_**flying fuck**_** am I **_**reading**_**?**

_I noticed that Dudley had come from behind and was intent to use his Smeltings stick on me._

**Ha, use his "stick" on her. That's awful.**

_In Void , it took almost five seconds from my perspective for the stick to surge downward, intent on hitting me in the back of the head. I twisted easily out of the way and was now behind Uncle Vernon. The expression of horror on Dudley's face as he totally missed his target and hit his own father on in the forehead ass was absolutely hilarious._

**Ha! He commited an act of violence in self-defence and ended up hitting someone he dearly love in the head, possibly killing him!**

_Dudley did not have long to contemplate events as his father fell to the floor, unconscious. I had considered that attempted hit with the Smeltings stick an attack on my person , even though it had clearly missed._

**Hilarity ensues.**

_I rushed forward and hit Dudley with a flat palm strike directly in the sternum. Dudley gasped as all the air was forcibly expelled from his lungs, and he flew backwards off his feet and crumpled against the wall, joining his father in the land of nod _

**...that's a strange term for Death.**

_I turned around and let go of the Void._

**Void, we've been seeing each other for a long time, but now I think it's time to let you go.**

_I did not have to worry about my Aunt Petunia. She was white as a sheet_

**In fact, she **_**was**_** a sheet.**

_and still seated in the chair at the kitchen table, staring in fear and horror at me._

_I was still operating on a surge of adrenaline and could only think of one thing to do._

**I killed her, because I delight in death and human suffering.**

_It was clear that I could not stay here anymore, when the two Dursley males woke up, I would not put it past them to call the police or social services and have me taken away. They would make up some story about how I had just gone insane and assaulted them, and I knew the police would believe them and not me, no one did. _

** I see her magical Sue powers have not kicked in yet.**

_I rushed to the cupboard under the stairs and grabbed a small bag and placed as many clothes as I could stuff into it._

**Heh, clothes. Who needs 'em.**

_Next I rushed toward the front door of Number four and ran outside and down the street. My only option was to go to Mrs Figg and hope against hope that the old lady would help and believe me._

**Oh, so you, the aggressive, violent child with no friends attacked your guardians who you hate in **_**self defense**_**? That seems reasonable enough.**

_I rushed out of breath to the front door of the house I had been to so many times and knocked. It was a few moments before the door opened and Mrs Figg seemed to blink in surprise as she noticed my out of breath presence with a small sling bag over her shoulder. _

**That's a snazzy sling bag, Mrs. Figg.**

"_Dear, what's the matter?" asked the old lady._

"_I need help urgently, can I come in Mrs Figg, please?"_

**Oh, how I love misplaced commas. The easiest and most noticeable type of error.**

_I begged with a note of panic._

**And then she continued with the note of G, and hummed the entirety of Bohemian Rhapsody.**

_This seemed to register with Mrs Figg and she nodded once and allowed me to rush inside and fling myself on the couch in her boobs and cradle my head in my hands despairingly. The old lady walked in and sat down across from me wearing a deeply concerned expression. _

**Her other expressions were in the wash.**

_My breathing slowed down and my hands started to shake, something my Sensei had told me was an after-effect of an adrenaline rush._

**known as "the shakes"**

"_What happened my dear?" said Mrs Figg. It took a few moments for me to gather the composure to speak intelligently. But eventually I told Mrs Figg of the letter and how the Dursleys wanted to take it away, even when I had it stuffed down my shirt. I also told Mrs Figg of how I had_

**assaulted my parent-guardians after they acted OOC.**

_defended myself and then coming to her, fearing that the Dursleys would simply spin a story and have the police arrest her. I noticed as I told my tale, that Mrs Figg seemed to get angrier and angrier, her lips contorted into a thin line. _

**She then exploded. Or something. Please let something interesting happen.**

"_That bastard!" exclaimed Mrs Figg. "Don't worry Rose; you're safe here, all right. I just need to go make a quick call."_

**She called the Shadow Council and informed him that Vernon had acted out of line. He was found two days later with all his internal organs removed.**

_Mrs Figg stood and got a mischievous smile on her face, something I had never seen before._

**The face that she keeps in a jar by the door. **

"_I suggest you read your letter though." Mrs Figg disappeared into her basement where the cabbage smell constantly wafted from._

**The chemicals she uses to dissolve the bodies. **

_With a curious frown on her face, I reached down my shirt and unfurled the now scrunched letter and read:_

**"Um...H...hooo...hoogggg...Hogwarts?"**

_HOGWARTS SCHOOL OF WITCHCRAFT AND WIZARDRY_

**IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS**

_Head-master: Albus Dumbledore (Order of Merlin, First Class, Grand Sorc., Chf. Warlock, Supreme Mugwump, International Confed. of Wizards)_

**Got all A's on his report card**

_Dear Ms Potter,_

**It has come to our attention that you are a pugilistic pile of shit.**

_We are pleased to inform you that you have a place at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment. Term begins on 1 September. We await you owl by no later than 31 July._

_Yours sincerely,_

_Minerva McGonagall_

_Deputy Head-mistress_

_Questions exploded inside my head like fireworks and I couldn't decide which to ask first, nor who should I ask? My mind flashed to when I saw Mrs Figg give me a knowing smile and told me to read the letter, as if, as if she knew it was coming._

**These two sentences are awful. I can't even think of a wisecrack. They're just bad.**

_I did not know how long I sat there staring at empty space but I snapped out of it as Mrs Figg sat down in front of me with a tea set and some cookies. _

**She pulled out a rusty butcher knife and said, "Do you remember that game we used to play?"**

"_It's a big revelation is it not?" said Mrs Figg with a smile as she sipped at her tea. _

**#Understatement**

"_So…I'm…a witch," I said hesitantly. Mrs Figg nodded._

**"No dear, you read that wrong. It says **_**bitch**_**."**

"_How long have you known?" My questions just seemed to spring from my mind like_

**a Smeltings stick?**

_popcorn. _

**Ah.**

"_Since you were a baby," answered Mrs Figg._

**"Sometimes I slept under your bed and watched you."**

"_Are you a witch?"_

**If you guess correctly, you get the cash prize.**

_Mrs Figg sighed and placed the cup down. She seemed to stare off into space until she seemed to come to a decision. _

"_No, but both my parents were a wizard and a witch," said Mrs Figg softly. _

"_So all the weird things that happen around me, that is my…magic?" I asked._

**No.**

"_Yes," said Mrs Figg,_

**SHUT UP, FIGG**

"_but Rose, while I can answer all your questions quite thoroughly, it is not my place to. I have contacted Head-master Dumbledore and I'm sure he will be sending someone along shortly to explain everything to you, someone who is qualified to."_

**This suddenly reminds me of Evangelion.**

"_But…" I began, but was interrupted._

"_No, Rose, I can't say anything more, just sit here calmly, drink your tea, have some cookies, your answers will come soon," said Mrs Figg._

**I drank the tea and passed out. I awoke in a dark and dirty bathroom. **

_The next half hour, was one of longest I had ever experienced in my shortly eleven year old life._

**But I managed to survive...**_**THE CUBE!**_

_For a moment I thought I was in Void. But_

**I realized, no, it was just the mescaline.**

_Mrs Figg still moved normally as she started to knit. I had slowly finished all the cookies in the tray and the tea kettle had long since gone cold. It got to the point where I decided to sit on the floor in full lotus position, close my eyes and start chanting a mantra in my mind._

**all work and no play makes rose a dull girl all work and no play makes rose a dull girl**

_I usually only meditated when I had at least about two hours free ahead of me or was in the cupboard. It startled me when I was interrupted out of my rolling green landscapes of solace, by my name being called. It seemed like it was coming from miles away, and then in a rush the world of my mind vanished and I fell to the floor on my rear. I snapped open my eyes in furious irritation and looked around for who had interrupted my peaceful world back to the harsh reality that contained the cruel Dursleys._

**"Damn, what a trip. What was **_**in **_**that mescaline I took? Oh, yeah, mescaline."**

_A tall, black haired woman in emerald green robes stood next to Mrs Figg. Both had a startled look of astonishment on their faces. The only thing on my mind was to vent my irritation. _

**Soon, McGonagall was the third victim of Rose's madness, Mrs Figg following shortly after.**

"_What's the big idea?" I snapped, rubbing my sore back door. "You don't just yell someone out of meditative state, its dangerous, not to mention that I stop hovering."_

**BACK DOOR?**

_The woman's lips thinned into a stern line and I was clearly left with the impression that this was not someone to cross. _

**So instead, Rose picked the noughts, and they had a merry game of tic-tac-toe.**

"_I think introductions are in order," said the woman sitting down across from me on the couch. "I am Professor McGonagall, and _

**Have you accepted Satan into your life?**

_I will be your Deputy Head-mistress at Hogwarts. Arabella has fully informed me of this day's events and I will be happy to answer any questions you have about Hogwarts and of course about your true heritage."_

_I flushed in embarrassment as I realised that I had_

**Accidentally pissed myself.**

_just vented at a teacher. But the questions in my mind had become clearer after the meditation and I sat down on the couch again. _

**"Yo, teach, want some drugs?", I inquired respectfully.**

"_I'm sorry I shouted at you Professor," I said in apology. _

"_That's all right Miss Potter," said Professor McGonagall._

**"The normal rules don't apply to you."**

"_I don't question whether magic exists," said Rose thoughtfully,_

**PUT THE COMMA AFTER THE QUOTATION MARKS YOU DUMB BITCH**

"_I mean it explains everything odd that's been happening around me and it explains some of the things I can do._

**Me and Figg can hold entire conversations without using our mouths.**

_My first question is: Does the Dursley's know what I am?"_

**"No, they does not."**

"_They were given a letter, explaining everything to them the night you were delivered on their doorstep," said the Professor. "Your Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon most definitely knew as both your parents, Rose, were magicians."_

**Magicians aren't the same as wizards, dumbshit!**

"_In that case if I ever return to Number Four, I shall break Uncle Vernon's other arm, as they never told me what I am,"_

**Even when learning something that will alter her life unchangeably forever, she still has violence on the brain.**

_I said in a hard, unwavering voice, "I was constantly punished for anything odd happening." Professor McGonagall's mouth had thinned even more. "How did my parents die?"_

_**Plot Device**_

_**Noun – A fatal disease, usually transmitted through sex or the gaining of shinigami eyes. Those who have died of Plot Device have bitten the dust in order to somehow advance the plot (ie: the plot would not move forward without their death)**_

_**See also: Inside Jokes**_

_This question brought forth gasps from both older women. "You mean, you don't know?" said Mrs Figg._

"_The Dursleys lied about my heritage, I think they lied about this too, I highly doubt my magical parents died in something as normal as a car crash. Nor does a lightning bolt shaped scar appear from an event like that," I said with my jaw clenching. _

***clench***

"_CAR CRASH!" exclaimed Mrs Figg incredulously. "How could a car crash kill Lily and James Potter? It's an outrage! Rose Potter does not know her own life history, when every kid in our world knows it and her name!"_

**"What is your name again, dear?"**

"_But why? What happened?" I asked urgently. _

"_Oh, I am so going to flog Albus Dumbledore when I see him!"_

**This is an unaltered sentence from the story. YOU ARE READING THIS**

_said Mrs. Figg. "I should have taken her under my wing. But no, he orders me to keep my distance, and look what this isolation has done!"_

**"Fuck you, Dumbledore! Fuck you and everything you stand for!" (uses middle finger)**

"_Calm yourself, Arabella," instructed the Professor, who despite her own calm voice, I could see her furiously red cheeks. "Well, Rose, this is unexpected, you knowing so little, but its best you know as much as I can tell you – however, some parts of the story I do not know as it's a great mystery." Professor McGonagall finished her cup of tea and set it down. _

**Due to the graphic nature of the "setting the tea down" scene, minors will not be admitted into the theater.**

"_It begins with a wizard, who went…evil. As evil as you could go. Worse. Worse than worse. His name was…Voldemort."_

**He was so evil, he was a Nazi! He shot Kennedy on the grassy knoll! He was a troll, and typed with Comic Sans!**

_The Professor took a long time to say the name, as if she had to drag it out of her mouth, and then when she said it, both she and Mrs Figg shuddered. _

"_Anyway, this wizard about twenty years ago now, started looking for followers_** on Twitter**_. And he got them – some were afraid, some just wanted a bit of his power for themselves, because he was becoming very powerful. Those were dark days, Rose. You did not know who to trust, you didn't dare get friendly with strange wizards or witches…terrible things happened. He was swiftly taking over the Wizarding World. There were those of course who stood against him, but they never lasted long, he merely killed them with fire. One of the only safe places left was Hogwarts. Professor Dumbledore was the only wizard who You-Know-Who was afraid of."_

**You see, this is a metaphor for something. The Death Eaters represent 4chan, and Hogwarts represents Newgrounds.**

"_Now, your mother and father were as good a witch and wizard as I ever had the pleasure to teach. They were Head-boy and Girl at Hogwarts in their day. They were so good that it was rather strange You-Know-Who did not try and recruit them…_

**He put up posters all over the place. He offered them carnations and fine cheeses. He sent them constant friend requests on Facebook.**

_but they were too close to Dumbledore and would never want anything to do with the Dark Side," explained the Professor._

**"Come to the Dark Side Rose, we have cupcakes."**

"_All anyone knows for a fact, is he turned up in the village where you were living with your parents, on Halloween ten years ago. You were a year old. He came to your house and…murdered _**and raped**_ them…"_

_Professor McGonagall took out a hanky and dabbed tears from her eyes. It made me realise that I too had tears poring from my eyes. The Professor handed me hanky to use as well. _

**How do you misspell**_** POURING?**_

"_Now begins the real mystery of the whole story," said Professor McGonagall, "You-Know-Who tried to kill you too. He wanted to leave no loose ends and clearly had no intention of leaving the offspring of his enemy alive._

**Because a baby will definitely remember his face.**

_Ever wondered how you got hat scar on your forehead, Rose?" I could only nod._

**I thought it was a lightning bolt scar.**

"_That mark is left when a powerful evil curse touches you," said the Professor, "it's that curse that killed your mother and father, destroyed your house, but for some reason it did not work on you, and that's why you are famous, Rose. No one ever lived after You-Know-Who decided to kill them, no one except you, and he has killed some of the best witches and wizards of the age – the McKinnons, the Bones, the Prewetts – and you were only a baby, and yet you lived."_

**If an evil curse touches you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, that's no good.**

_Something very painful was going on in my mind._

**A side effect of the mescaline, as mentioned earlier.**

_As Professor McGonagall's story came to a close, I saw again the blinding flash of green light, more clearly than I had ever remembered it before and I remembered something else, for the first time in my life – a high, cold cruel laugh._

**Suddenly, Seto Kaiba appeared behind me.**

_Mrs Figg was watching me sadly. _

"_Rubeus Hagrid, the Hogwarts Gamekeeper, took you from the ruined house, on Head-master Dumbledore's orders and brought you to the Dursleys," said the Professor distastefully. _

**Damn that Dumbledore, and his irritating tendency to become a manipulative ass in fanfiction.**

"_But what happened to Voldemort?" I asked suddenly. Both older women flinched again._

**You can't see it, but with every new line, I flinch too.**

"_That is a good question, Rose. He vanished. Disappeared. _

**We called for him for like, six minutes, but he was gone.**

_The same night as he tried to kill you. Professor Dumbledore is of the opinion that You-Know-Who's powers were destroyed and his body as well, while his spirit is out there still, waiting. Some others say he died. Which I dispute, as I don't believe You-Know-Who was human enough to die," answered McGonagall._

_I turned my eyes back to the letter and read the second page of it:_

_HOGWARTS SCHOOL OF WITCHCRAFT AND WIZARDRY_

**YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHH**

_Uniform_

_First year students will require:_

_1. Three sets of plain work robes (black)_

_2. One plain pointed hat (black) for day wear_

_3. One pair of protective gloves (dragon hide or similar)_

_4. One winter cloak (black, silver fastenings)_

**5. One bikini/speedo**

**6. condoms**

_Please note that all_

_pupil's clothes should carry name tags._

**Note that it does not say "clothing is optional".**

_Set Books_

_All students should have a copy of each of the following:_

_The Standard Book of Spells Sex (Grade 1) by Miranda Goshaw_

_A History of Magic Masturbation byBathilda Bagshot_

_Magical Theory Health by Adalbert Waffling_

_A Beginners Guide to Transfiguration Furfags by Emeric Switch_

_One thousand magical Herbs and Fungi Positions by Phydilla Spore_

_Magical Drafts and Potions Roofies by Arsenius Jigger_

_Fantastic Beasts Pussies and Where to Find Them by Newt Scamander_

**Just wanted to see if you were paying attention.**

_Other Equipment_

_1 wand (boys only)_

_1 cauldron (pewter, standard size 2) (girls only)_

_1 set glass or crystal phials_

**Oh, is that what the kids call it nowadays?**

_1 telescope_

_1 set brass scales_

_Students may also bring and owl OR a cat OR a toad_

_PARENTS ARE REMINDED THAT FIRST-YEARS ARE NOT ALLOWED THEIR OWN BROOMSTICKS _

**PARENTS ARE ALSO REMINDED THAT FIRST YEARS **_**MUST WEAR CLOTHES **__**AT ALL TIMES**_**.**

"_Can we buy all this in London?" I asked quite flabbergasted at the requirements._

**If there's a Party City in every mall and town, why wouldn't Diagon Alley have one?**

"_Of course, if you know where to go," said the Professor taking out a small pocket watch and staring at it._

**She stared for hours, but, unfortunately, it was just a pocket watch.**

"_When can I go? I have no way to get to London," I said, she could always give a ring to her Sensei for a lift._

**It's like two different sentences from two different books strung together.**

"_Don't worry Miss Potter; I will be escorting you to London today so we can get your school things, we will be taking the train," said Professor McGonagall, putting her watch away._

**I'm late! I'm late! For a very important date!**

_Several hobos were watching us as we walked down the street._

_Strangely enough, there were two owls rapping_

**Probably better than Macklemore.**

_on the windows with their beaks. Mrs Figg hurried over and allowed strangled the two nocturnal birds' entrance to land on the desk. One owl had a newspaper and the other carried what seemed to be a beautiful mauve envelope._

**Who sells **_**mauve envelopes**_**?**

_Professor McGonagall went over and handed the newspaper carrying owl five small bronze coins, one fell out of her hand and rolled over to me, I picked up the money, it was like nothing I had ever seen before. _

**"Is this the **_**money**_** that I have heard so much about?"**

_I had just had a heart wrenching realization though as McGonagall opened the other envelope. _

"_I haven't got any money – and the Dursleys would no sooner stop spoiling Dudley than pay for my school things," I said in a half miserable and half-angry voice._

**"Oh, don't worry, I instantly sympathize with you."**

"_The first stop for us then is Gringotts. The Wizard's bank. Your parents did not leave you with nothing, Rose," said Professor McGonagall. _

"_So Wizards have their own banking system," I stated in thought._

**If you want to get all philosophical about how that might work, then why not read The Methods of Rationality for the sixtieth time?**

"_Indeed, but just the one bank, Gringotts. It's run by goblins," said McGonagall._

**"Hah! Just teasing you. It's actually run by elves."**

"_I guess I should not be surprised that goblins actually exist now, should I?" I asked with a laugh. _

**"Yes. Everything is real. Slenderman is real. Santa Claus is real. Spiderman is real. And that's just going through the S's." She told her. I mean me.**

"_Indeed, a lot of Muggle (non-magic folk)_

**"You see, when someone is different, it's best to come up with a funny word, or **_**slur **_**to describe them."-Rifftrax**

_fairy tales, you will find actually do exist in the wizarding world,"_

**Such as the aforementioned Slenderman.**

_said Mrs Figg. Professor McGonagall huffed at the contents of the letter she received_

**She huffed and she puffed and-no. That joke's too tired.**

_and Mrs Figg was glancing at the newspaper._

"_I see the Ministry of Magic is messing things up, as usual," said Mrs Figg._

**Somehow, I don't think the author is sympathetic towards the Ministry.**

"_You don't know the half of it; I don't know how Albus can stand having that incompetent buffoon pestering him for advice constantly," said McGonagall._

**political satire**

"_There's a Ministry of Magic?" I asked in interest._

**"Yup, and you don't know the half of the problems they cause. They actually want to END THE WAR, the spineless unAmerican sacks of shit."**

"_Of course," said McGongall, "they wanted Head-master Dumbledore for Minister of course, but he'd never leave Hogwarts, so Cornelius Fudge got the job. An incompetent politician if there ever was one, so he pelts the Headmaster with owls every morning, asking for advice."_

**I suddenly imagined Fudge stopping by Hogwarts and literally throwing owls at Dumbledore.**

"_What's the Ministry's main function?" I asked, thinking of a wizarding version of the Muggle government._

**They make sure the secret shadow council doesn't overstep its boundaries.**

"_Their main task is to keep our existence a secret from Muggles as there are still witches and wizards everywhere."_

"_But why hide ourselves?" I asked._

**"And on that note, why **_**wear clothes**_**?" (I swear, the reveal is coming. But not now. Soon)**

"_Imagine the chaos we would find ourselves in, all the Muggles would want to come to us for magical solutions to their problems. No, we're best left alone," said McGonagall. _

**I agree whole-heartedly.**

So, this chapter sucked the life out of me. It was boring, and had more errors then the last one. This bit is still boring, and Dumbledore/Hagrid/Cornelius Fudge are getting shafted here. Oh, but wait until you see what she does to Ron. Just..._wait_...the bad stuff is more noticeable here, but it gets worse later.


	6. Chapter 5: WHYYY

Hello again friends! I swear I will get through this story, I just have to remember that it exists. All I can say is, this story is tedious. It takes a while to get going on the Bad Train, but it gets there eventually, and when it does, it chugs off a cliff. I'll tell you when it gets there, I think.

WooWooWooWooWoWooWooWooWooWo oWooWooWooWooWooWooWooWooWoo Woo

_I had never been to London before. Although McGonagall seemed to know where she was going, she was obviously not used to getting there in an ordinary way. _

**She confused the bus into the shopping district for a horrible dragon, and attempted to slay it with hilarious results.**

_She fumbled with getting the appropriate amount of Muggle money to pay for the ticket. I quickly offered to do it before we attracted any more attention. _

**"Ma'am, that's not $1.50. That's a paperclip."**

_We climbed a broken down escalator _

**...alright.**

_which led up to a bustling road lines with shops. We then milled through the crowd and passed book shops and music stores, hamburger bars and cinemas, but nowhere that looked as if it could sell you a magic wand. This was just an ordinary street filled with ordinary people. It was quite hard to fathom that there were piles of wizard gold buried miles underneath us and shops that sold spell books and flying broomsticks. _

**This author has an incredibly ability to take such a fantastic, whimsical series and just...SUCK THE LIFE OUT OF IT**

"_This is it," said McGonagall, coming to a halt, "the Leaky Cauldron. Quite a famous establishment."_

**"I've never heard of it, though.", Rose Potter I MEAN I said.**

**"Shut the hell up.", McGonagall said.**

**No, hold on, that's not right.**

_It was a tiny, grubby-looking pub. If McGonagall hadn't pointed it out, I wouldn't have noticed it was there. The people hurrying by didn't glance at it. Their eyes slid from the big book shop on one side to the record shop on the other _

**"Aaaaagh! My eyes!"**

_as if they couldn't see the Leaky Cauldron at all. In fact, I had the most peculiar feeling that only McGonagall and I could see it. Before I could mention this, McGonagall steered me inside. _

_For a famous place it was very dark and shabby. A few old women were sitting in the corner, drinking tiny glasses of sherry. _

**"Did you hear that kid shot up his wizard school?"**

**"It's all those violent videogames, let me tell ya."**

**"Wait, we're not supposed to know about technology."**

**"Oh. Well, I blame those autistic types."**

_One of them was smoking a long pipe. A little man in a top hat was talking to the old barman, who was quite bald and looked like a gummy walnut. _

**Gummy...walnut...you've lost me.**

_The low buzz of chatter stopped when we walked in. _

**[hushed] "It's the great and powerful Mary Sue."**

_Everyone seemed to know McGonagall; they waved and smiled at her, and the barman reached for a glass, saying, "The usual Professor?"_

**Yeah, McGonagall's here! The party starts NOW!**

"_Can't Tom, I'm on Hogwarts business," said McGonagall who steered me towards the other end of the pub. _

**Any other day, she'd be tearing up the dance floor, smoking roofies, all that jazz.**

"_Bless my soul," whispered the old barman. "Rose Potter…what an honor." The Leaky Cauldron had suddenly gone very quiet. _

**Until a little child asked, "Mommy, where are her clothes?"**

_He hurried out from behind his bar, rushed towards me and seized my hand, tears in his eyes. "Welcome back, Miss Potter, welcome back."_

**When did she leave?**

_I didn't know what to say. The Professor had told me I was famous. But to confront that fact truly was a totally different thing. The old woman with the pipe was puffing on it without realising it had gone out. McGonagall looked annoyed that she hadn't been able to forestall this. _

**Indeed, I am similarly annoyed.**

_There was a great scraping of chairs and, next moment, I found myself shaking hands with everyone in the Leaky Cauldron._

**It was a strenuous task, as some of them had multiple hands. Magic n' shit, you know.**

"_Doris Crockford, Miss Potter, can't believe I'm meeting you at last."_

**"I didn't expect that you'd be 4'3, but I suppose you're a young girl and not some horrifying Barbie-Doll Sue person."**

"_Always wanted to shake your hand – I'm all a flutter."_

**yay.**

"_Delighted, Miss Potter, just can't tell you. Diggle's the name, Dedalus Diggle."_

**Ya' know, those names are kind of dumb. Anybody else think that?**

"_I've seen you before!" I said, as Diggle's top hat fell off in his excitement, "You bowed to me once in a shop."_

**Dedalus Diggle awkwardly stooped down to pick up his top hat, and then continued the conversation.**

"_She remembers!" cried Diggle, looking around at everyone. "Did you hear that? She remembers me!"_

**"She likes me, she really likes me!"**

_It was then that I met with another of my future Hogwarts Professors, a pale young man by the name of Quirrel, he walked forward, very nervously, eyes twitching. He taught Defense against the Dark Arts but kept stuttering his words. _

**I suppose that one of her astonishing ninja abilities is being able to tell what people's jobs are just by looking at them.**

_In the end I was not impressed with the person who was supposed to be teaching me how to fight against the Dark Side. It seemed like a push could finish him off. _

**...did they really call it the Dark Side in the book?**

_It took almost ten minutes to get away from them all. McGonagall led me through the bar and out into a small, walled courtyard, where there was nothing but a dustbin and a few weeds. Professor McGonagall drew her wand. _

**The teacher gave her drawing a gold star, and McGonagall's adoring parents placed it on the refridgerator.**

"_Will it be that way, everywhere I go?" I asked in despair, wiping my right hand on my jeans. _

**I don't want to know what, exactly, was ON her hand in the first place.**

"_I'm afraid so, it will only be that way initially at Hogwarts, but soon the students will get used to your presence, and it will die down there," said McGonagall. She tapped the wall three times with her wand. The brick she touched quivered – it wriggled – in the middle, a small hole appeared – it grew wider and wider – _

**Unfortunately, it was a black hole. It sucked in everything and everyone with a sickening scream.**

_a second later they were facing a large archway which led onto a cobbled street which twisted and turned out of sight._

"_Welcome," said McGonagall, _

**Hold on, I got this.**

**"To Jurassic Park"**

**"To Hell" **

**"To the Jungle, We've got Fun and Games"**

"_to Diagon Alley."_

**Oh.**

_She grinned at my amazement. We stepped through the archway. I looked quickly over my shoulder and saw the archway shrink back instantly into a wall. The sun shone brilliantly on a stack of cauldrons outside the nearest shop. "Cauldrons" – All sizes – Copper, Brass, Pewter, Silver – Self-stirring – Collapsible said a sign hanging over them. _

**Wait, what?**

_I wished I had about eight more eyes. _

**That's what ninja powers are for, Rose.**

_I turned my head in every direction as I walked up the street, trying to look at everything at once: _

**Description time! Babababap!**

_the shops, the things outside them, the people doing their shopping. A plump woman outside the apothecary's was shaking her head as we passed saying: "Dragon liver, seventeen sickles and ounce, they're mad…"_

**Maaaaad wooooorrrrllddd, maaaaadddd wooooorrrrlllddd.**

_A low soft hooting came from a dark shop _

**dark shop = strip joint**

**just thought you should know about it**

_with a sign saying Eeylops Owl Emporium – Tawny, Screech, Barn, Brown and Snowy. Several boys had their noses pressed against a window with "broomsticks" in it. "Look," I heard one of them say, "the new Nimbus Two thousand – fastest ever."_

**You see, the quotation marks are used there because the broomsticks were actually machineguns. Dudley would die that same day. Wait, did I already use that one?**

_There were shops selling robes, shops selling telescopes and strange silver "instruments" I had never seen before, windows stacked with barrels of bat spleens and eels' eyes, tottering piles of spell books, quills and rolls of parchment, potion bottles, globes of the moon…_

**"Ah, here we go.", the Professor stated, ducking into a nearby Party City. "I needed more balloons".**

"_Gringotts," said Professor McGonagall._

**Bless you.**

_We had reached a snowy white building _

**In the middle of summer.**

_which towered over the other little shops. Standing beside its burnished bronze doors, wearing a uniform of scarlet and gold was –_

**Elvis**

"_That's a goblin," _

**Nilbog spelled backwards.**

_said McGonagall quietly as we walked up the white stone steps towards him. The goblin was about a head shorter than I was. He had a swarthy, clever face, a pointed beard and, very long fingers and feet. He bowed as we walked inside. Now we were facing a second pair of doors, silver this time, with words engraved upon them:_

_Enter stranger, but take heed_

_Of what awaits the sin of greed,_

_For those who take, but do not earn,_

_Must pay most dearly in their turn,_

_So if you seek beneath our floors_

_A treasure that was never yours,_

_Thief, you have been warned, beware_

_Of finding more than treasure there._

**It's fun to have fun but you've got to know how**

_A pair of goblins bowed us through the silver doors and we were in a vast marble hall. About a hundred more goblins were sitting on high stools behind a long counter, scribbling in large ledgers, weighing coins on brass scales, examining precious stones through eyeglasses. There were too many doors to count leading off the hall, and yet more goblins were showing people in and out of these. McGonagall and I made for the counter._

**McGonagall dove for the counter while I provided suppression fire from the back.**

"_Morning," said McGonagall to a free goblin. "We've come to "take some money" out of Miss Rose Potter's "safe"."_

**Am I going insane? What's with these quotation marks?**

"_You have her key, madam?" McGonagall held up a tiny golden key. The goblin looked at it closely. "That seems to be in order. I will have someone take you down to the vaults. Griphook!"_

**Ah, I remember that from the Metroid games.**

_Griphook was yet another goblin. McGonagall and I followed Griphook towards one of the doors leading off the hall. The goblin held the door open for them. I had expected more marble, but was surprised. We were in a narrow stone passageway lit with flaming torches. It sloped steeply downwards and there were little railway tracks on the floor. I was surprised to find waiting for us a giant of a man, who was easily about twelve feet tall, with a bushy beard and a moleskin coat. _

**Oh, here we go.**

"_Ah Professor McGonagall," said the giant man in greeting._

**"Ah, ah, ah, ACHOO!". And with that, the man flew backwards comedically.**

"_Hagrid," nodded the Professor, "Rose, this Rubeus Hagrid, Keeper of Keys and Grounds at Hogwarts."_

**That's a lot to fit onto an employee nametag.**

"_I'll be," said Hagrid, bending down to shake my hand with two of his huge fingers, "you grew mighty well into a pretty young lady, just like your mum. Pleasure to meet ya." I could not stop myself from blushing and greeted the giant man._

**Rubeus Hagrid, sexiest man alive.**

"_Thank you for rescuing me from the house," I said._

**Holy shit, Rose is talking about something that didn't happen. This is a huge mistake, and really aggravates me. I don't know what to say about this, did the author go through multiple story drafts or did she just forget what happened before? Since Harry didn't separate from Hagrid until going to Hogwarts, this isn't a lazy copying error. It's downright confusing.**

"_Nah, t'was nothing but me doing my duty," said Hagrid. _

**Absolutely nothing.**

_Griphook whistled and a cart came hurtling up the tracks towards them. We climbed in – Hagrid with some difficulty – and were off. At first we just hurtled through a maze of twisting passages. I tried to remember, left, right, left, middle fork, right, left, _

**left right left right a b start**

_but it was impossible. The rattling cart seemed to know its own way, because Griphook wasn't steering. My eyes stung as the cold air rushed passed them but I kept them wide open. Once, I thought I saw a burst of fire at the end of the passage and twisted around to see what caused it, but too late – we plunged even deeper, passing and underground lake where huge stalactites and stalagmites grew from the ceiling and floor. _

**But since that's not interesting, we'll gloss over it.**

_I saw that Hagrid was looking quite green as if the ride did not agree with him, and when the cart stopped at last beside a small door in the passage wall, Hagrid got out and had to lean against the wall to stop his knees trembling. Griphook unlocked the door. A lot of green smoke came billowing out, _

**I AM THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ**

_and as it cleared, I gasped. Inside were mounds of gold coins. Columns of Silver. Heaps of little broze knuts._

**"Aw yeah...I'm gettin' tanked tonight!"-Conker**

"_All yours," smiled McGonagall. All mine – it was incredible. The Dursleys couldn't have known about this or they'd have it from me faster than blinking. _

**Presumably, they would spend it at all the stores that accept bronzed man parts as payment. Also, how does she know what they're called?**

_How often had they complained about the cost of my keep? And all the time there had been a fortune belonging to me, buried deep under London. Hagrid helped me pile some of it into a bag._

**The bag had been there the whole time, btw.**

"_The gold ones are Galleons," explained McGonagall. "Seventeen silver Sickles to a Galleon and twenty-nine Knuts to a Sickle, its easy enough. That should be enough for the entire year; the rest is kept safe for you." Hagrid turned to Griphook after they settled themselves back in the cart. _

**Minerva doesn't settle! Minerva's the wind, baby!**

"_Vault seven hundred and thirteen, please, and can we go more slowly?" asked the giant man._

"_One speed only," said Griphook._

**So suck it up, bitch.**

_We were going even deeper now and gathering speed. _

**Wow, mysterious green gas (presumably anthrax), angry dragons, leering goblins, and amphetamenes. Where do I sign up for this?**

_The air became colder and colder as they hurtled round tight corners. We went rattling over an underground ravine and I leant over the side to see what was down at the dark bottom but McGonagall pulled me back by the scruff of the neck. Vault seven hundred and thirteen had no keyhole._

**Vaults generally don't have keyholes. They have those big, twisty gear things on them, right?**

"_Stand back," said Griphook importantly. He stroked the door gently with one of his long fingers and it simply melted away. _

**fingerbang**

"_If anyone but a Gringotts goblin tried that, they'd be sucked through the door and trapped in there," said Griphook._

**"It's a lot like being frozen in Carbonite, really."**

"_How often do you check to see if anyone's inside?" I asked._

**"Check? What are you talking about?"**

"_About once every ten years," said Griphook, with a rather nasty grin._

**"Sometimes I forget, though."**

_Something really extraordinary had to be inside this top security vault, I was sure, and I leant forward eagerly expecting to see fabulous jewels at the very least – but at first I thought it was empty. Then I noticed a grubby little package wrapped in brown paper lying on the floor. Hagrid picked it up and tucked it deep inside his coat. I longed to know what it was, but knew better than to ask. _

**Maybe it's whatever Samuel L. Jackson had in that suitcase in **_**Pulp Fiction**_**.**

"_Is that what I think it is?" asked McGonagall. Hagrid only nodded as they sped away again._

**"Had to get my stash for the faculty party later. We can't have a party without you, though!"**

_XXXX_

**This fic is not yet rated.**

_One wild cart ride later they stood blinking in the sunlight outside Gringotts. I didn't know where to run first now that I had money._

**So I decided to walk.**

"_Might as well get your uniform," _

**not that you will be wearing it much**

_said McGonagall, nodding towards Madam Malkin's Robes for All Occasions. Hagrid disappeared off with a goodbye to the Leaky Cauldron, obviously to get a pick me up from the sickening cart ride. I entered the shop with McGonagall behind me._

**"Oh no, the Crypt Keeper is following you! Oh, hello McGonagall."**

_Madam Malkin was a squat, smiling witch dressed in mauve._

**What is the deal with these wizards and the color mauve.**

"_Hogwarts dear?" she said, when I started to speak. "Got the lot here – a young man being fitted up just now, in fact."_

**ohmygodno**

"_I need to look for some new robes myself," said McGonagall. "I'll be right over there," she said pointed into a corner of the shop, I nodded. _

**"McGonagall, you go sit in the Time Out Corner"**

_In the back of the shop, a boy with a pale, pointed face was standing on a footstool while a second witch pinned up his long black robes. Madam Malkin stood me on a stool next to him, slipped a long robe over my head and began to pin it to the right length. _

**"Hello, I'm a douchebag. Richy rich racist pointy."**

"_Hello," said the boy, "Hogwarts too?"_

**Hogwarts, the sequel.**

"_Yes," I said shortly._

**Hey, don't make fun of her! It's not her fault she's short.**

"_My father's next door buying my books and mother's up the street looking at wands," said the boy. He had a bored, drawling voice, which rather grated on my ears. _

**I learned later that this was because he had taken an actual cheese grater and dragged it across my ears whilst he spoke.**

"_Then I'm going to drag them off to look at racing brooms. I don't see why first years can't have their own._

_**Perhaps it's because of the high mortality rate." Draco drawled.**_

_I think I'll bully father into getting me one and I'll smuggle it in somehow." I was strongly reminded of Dudley and sneered inwardly but kept my face neutral._

**Chaotic neutral.**

"_Have you got your own broom?" the boy went on._

**"In the broom closet."**

"_No," I said._

**Ah, right answer.**

"_Play Quidditch at all?"_

"**Playing Quidditch" is wizard innuendo for having sex.**

"_No," I said again, wondering what on earth Quidditch could be. _

**Is it something you **_**eat**_**?**

**Is it an **_**animal**_**?**

"_I do – Father says it's a crime if I'm not picked to play for my house, and I must say I agree. _

**It's a spectator sport, Quidditch.**

_Know what house you'll be in yet?" "No," I said, feeling more stupid by the minute._

**...there's a great joke here, but I can't find the right words to express what it is.**

"_Well, no one really knows until they get there, do they, _

**Which makes that one stupid question, huh?**

_but I know I'll be in Slytherin, all our family's been – imagine being in Hufflepuff, I think I'd leave, wouldn't you?"_

**"Although you seem more like you'd be in House Elf or something".**

"_Mmm," I said, wishing I could think of something more interesting to say. _

**"Mmm," I said, wishing I could think of something more interesting to say.**

**It's always weird when a fanfiction provides its own synopsis within the story.**

"_Was that your mother you came in the shop with?" asked the boy._

"_No, she's Professor McGonagall, she teaches Transfiguration at Hogwarts," said Rose._

**"She's a total PARTY ANIMAL!"**

"_Oh, I've heard of her, very strict, Head of Gryffindor House," said the boy distastefully. I was liking this boy less and less by the second, his haughty arrogant tone was just too much Dudley for my taste. _

**Then why don't you do to him what you did to Dudley last chapter? ...i liked that part the best**

"_Why is she with you? Where are your parents?" said the boy._

"_They're dead," I said shortly. She didn't feel much like going into the matter with this boy._

**"Ha ha, sucks to be you."**

"_Oh, sorry," said the other, not sounding sorry at all. _

**YOU SEE HE'S A DOUCHEBAG**

"_But they were our kind, weren't they?"_

**"No, actually, they were aliens. I am the alien queen."**

"_They were a witch and a wizard, if that's what you mean."_

"_I really don't think they should let the other sort in, do you? They're not just the same, they've never even heard of Hogwarts, until they get their letter, imagine. _

**all the people.**

_I think they should keep it in the old wizarding families. What's your surname, anyway?"_

_Before I could answer, Madam Malkin said: "That's you done my dear."_

**OH SNAP wait, no, that's not actually a comeback.**

**Mistakes, mistakes, that's all I seem capable of at times.**

_I was not sorry for an excuse to stop talking to the boy, hopped down from the footstool._

**Rose Potter: Half human, half frog.**

"_Well, I'll see you at Hogwarts, I suppose," said the drawling boy._

_I was rather quiet as I met with up with McGonagall, there was so much I didn't know._

**I always wanted to know Dutch, but I'm not sure that's relevant to this fanfiction.**

"_What's the matter?" she asked._

**"Party City sold out of balloons before I got there."**

"_Nothing," I lied. We stopped to buy parchment and quills. I cheered up when I found a bottle of ink that changed colour as you wrote. When we had left the shop, I said: "Professor, what's Quidditch?"_

**I do believe I already covered that.**

"_Really," said McGonagall looking as if she was irritated at herself, "I keep forgetting how little you actually know."_

**"You're SUCH a USELESS BITCH, Rose Potter."**

"_Please don't make me feel worse," I said with a hint of irritation. I told McGonagall of the pale boy in Madam Malkin's, "-and he said people from Muggle families shouldn't even be allowed in…"_

"_You are not from a Muggle family. If he'd known who you were – _

**He might have said "So?", and carried on being a jerk.**

_he's grown up knowing your name if his parents are wizards – _

**They would join in too.**

_you saw what happened in the Leaky Cauldron. Anyway, what does he know about it, some of the best witches and wizards that have passed through the halls of Hogwarts were the only ones with magic in them in a long line of Muggles – your mother was such a person. And look what she had for a sister," explained McGonagall._

**"Really, the only thing that bitch had going for her was that protection racket with the secret shadow council."**

"_So what is Quidditch?"_

"_It's our sport. _

_**Who cares, what games we choose? Nothing to win, and nothing to lose.**_

_It's like Muggle football, everyone follows Quidditch, its played up in the air on broomsticks _

**sex**

_and the seven players on a team work with three different type of balls _

**SEX**

– _it will take too long to explain properly, so you'll have to wait until you get to Hogwarts and see it for yourself," _

**Oh boy.**

_said McGonagall in an almost reverent like manner._

"_And what are Slytherin and Hufflepuff?"_

**"Slytherin's where all the gothic Mary Sues go. Only expendable people ever go to Hufflepuff, but it has never been recorded that a Sue once went there."**

"_School houses. There are four of them. Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff and Slytherin. Everyone says Hufflepuff are a meek bunch but…" said McGonagall._

**"...no, wait, that's all."**

"_I bet I'm in Hufflepuff," I said gloomily._

**"I mean, I'm so meek and humble."**

"_If that is where you are meant to go, you will go there Rose, we have a very good way of sorting students into their houses, _

**We draw lots.**

_and not a single student has ever been unhappy with their placing," said McGonagall._

**I could mock this next paragraph, but it's basically copied right from the book, and, other than creating a series that would later give rise to not only this monstrosity, but other wonderful works of art such as My Immortal, she's never done anything to me.**

_We bought my school books in a shop called Flourish and Blotts where the shelves were stacked to the ceiling with books as large as paving stones bound in leather; books the size of a postage stamps in covers of silk; books full of peculiar symbols and few books with nothing in them at all. Even Dudley, who never read anything, would have been wild to get his hands on some of these. I surreptitiously placed an extra book I found in the basket: Curses and Counter Curses (Bewitch your friends and Befuddle you enemies with the Latest Revenges: Hair Loss, Jelly legs, Tongue tying and much, much more) by Professor Vindictus Viridian._

_McGonagall wouldn't let me buy a solid gold cauldron, _

**Not that I don't already have one, pshaw.**

_as it was not on the requirement list, but we got a nice set of scales for weighing potions ingredients and a collapsible brass telescope. We visited the apothecary's, which was fascinating enough to make up for its horrible smell, a mixture of bad eggs and rotted cabbages. Barrels of slimy stuff stood on the floor, jars of herbs, dried roots and bright powders lined the walls, bundles of feathers, strings of fangs and snarled claws hung from the ceiling. McGonagall got me a set of standard potions ingredients. Outside the apothecary's, McGonagall checked my list again. _

**Gonna find out who's naughty and nice.**

"_You just need a wand, and an animal familiar, _

**I want a LOL cat. I mean, how awesome is THAT?!**

_and then there is another shop we have to stop at for you young lady," said McGonagall in deep thought, "tell you what, you go and get your wand at Ollivander's down the street, I'll go and get you an owl, they're very useful in carrying all your post."_

**In case you want your breakfast cereal mailed out, that's there for you.**

_This shop was narrow and shabby. Peeling gold letters over the door read Ollivanders: Makers of Fine Wands since 382 BC. A single wand lay on a faded purple cushion in the dusty window. A tinkling bell rang somewhere in the depths of the shop as I stepped inside. It was a tiny place, empty except for a single spindly chair. I felt strangely as if I had just entered a very strict library; I swallowed as a lot of new questions occurred to me and looked instead at the thousands of narrow boxes piled neatly right up to the ceiling. For some reason the back of her neck prickled. The very dust and silence in here seemed to tingle with some secret magic._

**TINGLE TINGLE KOOLOO LIMPAH!**

**I'M SO SORRY**

"_Good afternoon," said a soft voice. I jumped and instantly was in a balanced stance with my hands ready. _

**Naruto, eat your heart out.**

_I just as quickly dropped them as intelligence had overridden my instincts. An old man was standing before me, his wide, pale eyes shining like moons through the gloom of the shop._

**what**

"_Hello," I said awkwardly. Ah yes," said the man. "Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Rose Jamie Potter." It wasn't a question, "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wand. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wand for charm work."_

**She was a snake charmer.**

_Mr. Ollivander moved closer to me. I wished he would blink. Those silvery eyes were a bit creepy._

**No, people with SILVER EYES are not "a bit creepy", SMILE DOG is "a bit creepy". Ollivander IS AN ABOMINATION. OH GOD.**

"_Your father on the other hand, favoured a mahogany wand. Eleven inches. Pliable. A little more power and excellent for transfiguration. _

…**Do I even have to say anything?**

_Well, I say your father favoured it – its really the wand that chooses the wizard, of course."_

_Mr Ollivander had come so close that he and I were almost nose to nose. I could see myself reflected in those misty eyes._

**STRANGER DANGER**

"_And that's where…" Mr Ollivander touched the lighting scar on my forehead with a long white finger._

**OH GOD NO WHAT IS HAPPENING**

"_I'm sorry to say I sold the wand that did it," he said softly. "Thirteen and a half inches. Yew. Powerful wand, very powerful, and in the wrong hands…Well, If I'd known what that wand was going out into the world to do…"_

**50% off all evil wands of death**

"_Well, now Miss Potter. Let me see." He pulled out a long tape measure with silver markings out of his pocket. "Which is your wand arm?"_

**I mean, your throwing arm. I mean, the arm you jerk off with.**

"_Erm – well, I don't have a preferred arm, I can use both," I said. This was due to a strange infection I had in my right hand when I was eight and for a long time I did not have the use of it. I still had schoolwork so I taught myself during that time to use my left, her Sensei was even happy about it as it would translate well into my martial arts. _

**I suddenly imagined the crazed HP fan who wrote this (Female, forty years old, stark naked, pudgy, insane, chair smeared with food and excrement) thinking to herself, "You know what I hated about Harry Potter? That he **_**wasn't ambidextrous**_**.**

"_Remarkable," said Ollivander, "have not had a customer like you in a long time, hold out both your arms then." He measured me from shoulder to finger, then wrist to elbow, shoulder to floor, knee to armpit and round my head. As he measured he said: "Every Ollivander wand has a core of a powerful magical substance, Miss Potter. We use unicorn hairs, phoenix tail feathers and the heartstrings of dragons among the most notable. No two Ollivander wands are the same, just as no two dragons, unicorns or phoenixes are the same. You will never get such good results with another wizard's wand."_

**Except if you wanted to, Rose. The universe bows to your every whim.**

_I suddenly realised that the tape measure, which was measuring between my nostrils, _

**A measurement of clear importance when dealing with wand arms.**

_was doing this on its own. Mr Ollivander was flitting around the shelves, taking down boxes. _

"_That will do," he said, and the tape measure crumpled into a heap on the floor. "Right then, Miss Potter. Try this one. Beechwood and dragon heartstring. Nine inches. Nice and flexible. Just take it and give it a wave."_

**Sounds like the start of a bad porno. "Here, try waving my nine inch wand around for a bit."**

_I took the wand in my left hand and waved it around in a circle, but Mr Ollivander snatched it out of my hand almost at once. _

**Gotta make sure you have the right "wand."**

"_Maple and phoenix feather. Seven inches. Quite whippy. Try…"_

**...yyyyyyy**

_I tried – but I had hardly raised the wand when it too was snatched back by Ollivander._

"_No, no – here, ebony and unicorn hair, eight and a half inches, springy. Go on, go on, try it out."_

**It must be a sucky job to gather up all the unicorn hair.**

_I tried and tried. I had no idea what Mr Ollivander was waiting for. The pile of tried wands was mounting higher and higher on the spindly chair, but the more wands Mr Ollivander pulled from the shelves, the happier he seemed to become. _

**He likes watching you hold a bunch of "wands" at once.**

"_Tricky customer eh? Not to worry, we'll find the perfect match here somewhere – I wonder, now – yes, why not – unusual combination- holly and phoenix feather, eleven inches, nice and supple."_

_I took the wand. I felt sudden warmth in my fingers. _

**Oh God, here we go.**

_Around me I felt wind rippling around me and felt what had to be magic surround me in a huge aura._

_**They say that her heart grew three sizes that day**_

"_Oh bravo! Yes indeed, oh, very good. Well, well,well…how curious…how very curious…" He put my new wand back into its box and wrapped it in brown paper._

**Well, that brown paper kind of kills the magic vibe, doesn't it.**

"_Sorry," I said, "but what's curious?" Ollivander fixed her with his pale stare._

"_I remember every wand I ever sold, Ms Potter. Every single wand. It so happens that the phoenix whose tail feather resides in your wand, gave another feather – just one other. It is very curious indeed that you should be destined for this wand when its brother gave you that scar."_

**This wouldn't surprise you if you had read the book. I'm fairly sure all of this is copied word for word, with the exception of changing the pronouns to fit her sex.**

_I swallowed nervously at that strange omen. _

**I didn't really see any omen there.**

"_Yes, thirteen and a half inches. _

**No, wait, you're talking about your **_**wand size**_**.**

_Yew. Curious indeed how these things happen. The wand chooses the wizard…I think we must expect great things from you Miss Potter…After all, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named did great things – terrible yes, but great."_

**They looked at things from an intrinsically military standpoint and became incredibly powerful. No, hold on.**

_I shivered and paid seven Galleons for the wand and Mr Ollivander bowed me from his shop. Outside Professor McGonagall met me holding a cage and inside was a beautiful snowy owl. _

**DINNER TIME!**

"_Thank you very much Professor," I said, blushing at McGonagall generosity. _

**McGonagall Generosity™ Get some today!**

"_Don't mention it," said McGonagall, "now for the last shop of the day."_

**Jesus Christ, here we go. Here we go here we go here we go**

_They walked back up the alley, and I blinked as I experienced the same effect as outside the Leaky Cauldron. McGonagall showed me to a shop that I would never have seen otherwise. But judging from the people walking past it, its hidden effects were confined to wizards. Only witches could see the shop. But I had to stop my mouth from dropping to the floor. In curvy silvery script above the door to the shop was: Victoria's Secret._

**ARRRRRRRGGHHHHHH WHAT THE FUCK IS A FUCKOFF MOTHERFUCKING VICTORIA'S SECRET DOINF IN FUCKING GODDAMN DIAGON ALLEY AAAAAGGGGHHH I HATE THIS FUCKING AUTHOR I HOPE SOMETHING HORRIBLE AND COMPLETELY IMPLAUSIBLE HAPPENS TO HER AND KILLS HER VIOLENTLY AAAAAAAUUUUGGHHH**

**im better now thanks**

"_Professor, the wizarding _

**Ha, that's not a word**

_World has a Victoria's Secret?" I asked in astonishment._

**Oh god I cannot get over how ridiculous this is. Are you reading this?**

"_Of course, one of the founding members of that company was a witch, _

**Victoria's Secret! In Diagon Alley! What! Why! How!**

_and the store penetrated into the magical world," _

**Ha Ha Ha, "penetrated". This is absolute madness.**

_said McGonagall. We walked inside and Rose discovered a veritable maze of shelves with bra's, panties, chemise's, sleepwear, swimwear and so forth, in every colour and size and type imaginable._

** Even if I DARED to do something like this in a story I had made, WHICH I WOULD NOT DO, I would at least make it clever. Like, I don't know, Circe's Secret. But it would still be awful.**

"_I've never had decent underwear," I said longingly. Professor McGonagall once again got that disapproving look. _

**Since when did you start wearing underwear?**

"_Remind me, that tomorrow I should go into Muggle London for some proper fitting normal clothes for you," said McGonagall intently. I only nodded. "You wear a bra yet?" said McGonagall._

**MCGONAGALL DOES NOT ASK THIS IN THE BOOK, BTW**

"_I should but it's not like the Dursley's would buy me one," I said. With McGonagall's help I was fitted for an A-cup bras, _

**IF I CAN GIVE SOME PROPS TO THIS RETARDED SCENE, AT LEAST ROSE DOESN'T HAVE OCTUPLE Z-CUP BREASTS LIKE EVERY OTHER SUE EVER.**

_mostly in white and one or two in black. We then picked up about dozen panties in varying colours from red, blue, black and white. _

**I JUST...I MEAN...WHAT IS THIS? WHAT IS MY LIFE?**

_McGonagall picked out a white one piece bathing suit: "there is a lake at Hogwarts which is a blessing during the summer, as you can cool down in it by swimming." Next, was a black sleeping gown and other similar items. _

**Wow, the horrible thought of McGonagall in a swimsuit distracted me momentarily from this awful story.**

_They paid for the purchases at the counter where a beautiful witch was writing out in the ledger. _

**AND NOW IT ENDS. NEVER LET US GO BACK TO THIS PLACE.**

_XXXX_

**You must snort at least this many lines of coke to proceed.**

_The late-afternoon sun hung low in the sky as McGonagall and I made our way back down Diagon Alley, back through the wall, and back into the Leaky Cauldron, which was empty. The Professor sat me down on a table and placed all of our bags of purchases on the floor. Tom came over and handed them two mugs of pumpkin juice, which was very tasty. _

**Thought there was a law against serving alcohol to minors.**

"_Rose, I want to discuss your living arrangements for the next month, earlier in the day I received a letter from Professor Dumbledore," said McGonagall, "your assertion that the Dursleys would call the police was proven correct."_

**"What was left of them, anyway."**

"_Not surprised," I mumbled into her mug._

**After all, she did attempt to kill them.**

"_The Dursley's claim that you became unhinged and attacked them, and have filed an assault charge. As you are a minor, the Muggle authorities cannot issue a warrant for your arrest. They can have Social Services pick you up though and you will be either relinquished to an orphanage or to a juvenile penal _

**Hah hah hah, "penal." This story is awful.**

_facility, depending on the Judge. It's a shame that we could not catch up with the Dursley's sooner. We could then have simply erased their memories of the event," said McGonagall with a sigh. "Be that as it may, you now have a charge filed against you, and it would take a while to magically erase that from the Muggle world, so you can go back to the Dursleys," explained McGonagall._

**Oh, here we go.**

"_But who says I want to go back to them?" I snapped and slapped the envelope that contained her school letter on the table. Her finger pointed prominently to 'The Cupboard under the Stairs.'_

**Professor McGonagall observed the words. "Ah." she said, brightening up. "I didn't notice that there."**

"_That's where I sleep Professor, and when any accidental magic happens around me I'm confined to it, and I have to sneak out to have any food, I had no clothes of my own except for Dudley's cast offs, which if you've seen him are three times bigger than I am. I was Dudley's punching bag until I was seven years old and was knowledgeable enough to learn how to fight back! _

**NNNNNIIIIIINNNNJJJJAAAAA**

_They treat me as a burden and look at me like a slug, while giving me all the chores to do, while Dudley does nothing and is spoiled rotten. That house and family has no love for me!" I paled a bit as I realised I was screaming at the person who had actually rescued from that hellhole called Number four. McGonagall herself though was looking more and more furious as what I had said had sunk in. _

**I thought that McGonagalll knew about the mistreatment the Dursleys inflicted upon Harry, and had him there because having him somewhere else would make things more dangerous for him.**

"_Sorry Professor, I didn't mean to snap at you," I said hurriedly as tears started falling from my face. _

"_No, Rosey," _

**...**

**I theink I've juist hjad a stroke.**

_said McGonagall with a smile, "you don't mind if I call you that? Your mother had an impressive temper too." I nodded and wiped my tears away. "I should be apologizing to you; I could have fought the Headmaster more about placing you in that damnable household, for I was with him that night we placed you on the doorstep at Number Four. In the end I think though it is he who should bear the responsibility of placing you there. If Mrs Figg had any idea of how you were being treated Rosey, she would have contacted us and we would have gotten you out of there."_

**Damn that damnable Dumbledore. Who does he think he is, all optimistic, starry-eyed, and the coolest old guy in any book ever? Asshole!**

"_Yes, but the Dursleys are all for appearances, if any sort of visitor came in they always had me out of the cupboard and rearranged the spare bedroom to look like I slept there," I said bitterly._

**I must admit, that is a good explanation for why Child Services had not been called to that household.**

"_There is nothing that can be done about the past Rosey, but I will for your part fight tooth and nail in getting some sort of alternative arrangement about where you will be staying for next summer," said McGonagall with a determined frown. I could only blush _

**What?**

_that an adult would willingly do something like that for me. _

**As you can see, there's going to be a lot McGonagall is willing to do for Rose Potter.**

"_Thank you Professor," I said softly. _

"_Now as you can see the Leaky Cauldron is also an inn, _

**You can meet your other party members here.**

_you will be staying in one of the rooms they rent out for travellers. I will have Tom look after you, and I myself will check in with you every third day," explained Professor McGonagall. I could not stop the thrill and blossoming of happiness in my heart. _

**No, wait, it's just a heart attack. Gaaack.**

_Tom came over to collect their empty mugs and McGonagall explained the arrangements. To say that Tom looked delighted at the prospect of Rose Potter staying in his inn would be an understatement. _

**Then why did you say it?**

_McGonagall also handed me a ticket for the Hogwarts Express which would be transporting all the students from London north to Hogwarts._

_Professor McGonagall gave me a big hug and said her goodbyes. While Tom helped me carry all of my things to my new room. As the door closed behind me, I could not help but give a shout of triumph and happiness. I couldn't imagine how my life had changed in one day._

So, that's that. The whole "Victoria's Secret" thing absolutely BLEW ME OUT OF THE WATER with how insane it was, but other than that, it's boring. Eventually, about in the next installment of this MSTing, the tense changes will be so commonplace that I will only mention them when they are particularly funny. Also, review and favorite. Like, comment, and subscribe. Eat your vegetables. We arrive at Hogwarts when next we meet.


	7. Chapter 6: Wizards (Warlocks?)

**Sorry for the hiatus. Expect longer update times, since the material gets worse and I start to forget that this thing exists...anyway, after THE AWFUL, HORRIBLE THING HAPPENED...**

_Chapter Four – The Journey North_

_My last month before September 1__st__ was the best of my life thus far._

**It was the Summer of '69**

_In the mornings' I would have a hearty breakfast in a private parlour with Tom, after which I would go back into my room and loose myself in my school books, they were absolutely fascinating._

**...do you understand how parentheses work, author? Or, you know, ellipses? Or FULL STOPS?**

_I did decide though to read the Magical Theory book entirely first, it helped loads to understand the other books. Tom had told me that the Ministry did not register her wand until September 1__st__ and as such I could actually practice casting magic spells without supervision,_

**Just a few paragraphs in and already we have a giant, gaping plothole staring me in the face. Think about the implications of that. If you can use magic before the Ministry knows you exist, there's a lot of criminal potential in that.**

"_Just don't burn down the pub." I had the most fun of course, with Curses and Counter-Curses. _

**I doubt she was particularly interested in the countercurses.**

_After lunch and another discussion with Tom,_

**fascinating character that he is**

_I would wander into Diagon Alley and explore the multitude of shops and enjoy eating ice-creams of all sorts at Floreans Ice Cream Parlour. I would also see the oddest of people in the alley: funny little witches from the country, venerable looking wizards arguing over the latest article from Transfiguration Today,_

**Wizards never read the **_**New Yorker**_**, do they.**

_wild looking warlocks and raucous dwarfs._

**"I, Rose Potter, know the difference between the words warlock and wizard, and I assume that everybody else does too." Don't tell me in the comments what the difference is, by the way.**

_I had received a whole new Muggle wardrobe from Professor McGonagall, true to her word, on the third day of my stay._

**Well, this can only lead to good.**

_It felt like a breath of fresh air, wearing clothes that fit me and were stylish, I also felt a sense of liberation at my freedom._

**Aaaand...no description? Hmm, this chapter must be a slow-burn type of deal.**

_McGonagall had admonished me never to go into Muggle London alone and stay otherwise in the Leaky Cauldron and Diagon Alley and not to go down Knockturn Alley._

**"Don't head down Evil Street or Killintheface Road, either."**

_I saw no reason to disobey the instructions. _

**Ha ha, who would DARE accidentally their way into Diagon Alley? Not me of course, I'm Jesus.**

_Professor McGonagall was also astonished as she saw the work I had already done on the desk in my room. Her lips thinned_

**Yes, they rapidly lost weight before my eyes she **_**pursed **_**them, you stupid English-butchering ass!**

_at the mention of casting magic unsupervised, but it was a loophole in the law and therefore not against the rules._

**Of course it is.**

_McGonagall was mollified though as I told her I had not done any practical Transfiguration as it was a dangerous type of magic that could go awfully wrong if done improperly. _

**Rose Potter-She's too good for this sinful earth.**

_In the evenings I would have supper and work on my schoolbooks and practice martial arts_

**NEVER LETTING IT GO**

_till nine and would fall into a contented sleep. Most of the time my only companion would be my owl, which I named Hedwig,_

**Which you would know if you had read the Harry Potter books, carry on...**

_a name I had found out of the History of Magic textbook._

**Oh, also-Rose read all of the textbooks. Really, look**

_By the last day of August, I was a quarter of the way through all my textbooks._

**Good at martial arts, meditating, people skills, uh, um, speed reading, maths...**

_All the subjects looked very interesting; it was odd that there were no substitute for maths which had been my favourite subject in Primary School._

**Also singing, I'd just like to mention. That's in the NEXT chapter, though.**

_Professor McGonagall told me that in third year an elective subject called Arithmancy could be taken which delved into the magical properties of numbers. _

**Seems as good a place to put a scene change as any!**

_ xxxx_

**WARNING: you may need some xxxx to get through this chapter, ifyaknowwhatImean.**

**The next bit is shown as is:**

_I woke at five o' clock the next morning and was too excited and nervous to go back to sleep. I got up and pulled on some jeans and a snug fitting t-shirt because I did not want to walk into King's Cross in my robes – I'd change on the train. I checked my Hogwarts list yet again to make sure I had everything I needed, saw that Hedwig was shut safely in her cage and then paced the room waiting for Professor McGonagall to show up. Four hours later, my huge, heavy trunk was outside of the Leaky Cauldron, the Professor looked at me oddly when I carried it easily. I had not been forthcoming in showing my martial arts skills, her unnatural strength, and other things she had discovered she could do. Her Sensei had taught her that one never shows your true abilities to your opponent, even to your friends (though for different reasons), which would let them, keep underestimating you._

**Description, Ninja, and another awesome trait for Rose Potter. We are on a freaking ROLL.**

_We hailed a taxi, loaded the trunk and set off. We reached King's Cross at half past ten, as London traffic was a nightmare. The taxi driver was kind enough to put my trunk on a trolley. I wheeled it into the station, with Professor McGonagall following behind. We walked down the partitions in between platforms nine and ten until we reached the appropriate pillar. _

**Beige Prose. W W W dot TV Tropes. Look at it.**

"_This is where I leave you Rosey, I'll see you tonight at the feast," said McGonagall kindly and gave me another hug. _

**This taste in my throat is either vomit, blood, or that rabid foamy stuff.**

_I squared my shoulders and charged at the pillar, my breath caught and I closed my eyes at the last second where my logical mind was screaming at me that I was going to ram into a solid wall. It didn't come…I kept on running…I opened my eyes._

**...and finally saw what a horrible story this was, and stopped writing it. Good night.**

_A scarlet steam engine was waiting next to a platform packed with people._

_\_

**Is it the Canadian Transcontinental?**

_A sign overhead said Hogwarts Express, 11 o'clock._

**Oh.**

_I looked behind me and saw a wrought iron archway where the ticket box had been, with the words Platform Nine and Three-Quarters on it. I had done it._

**Good work, Rose. Have a reward.**

_Smoke from the engine drifted over the heads of the chattering crowd, while cats of every colour wound_

**Wound?**

_here and there between their legs._

**Ah, I see. The author's using ****her**** his **_**thesaurus**_** today...**

_Owls hooted to each other in a disgruntled sort of way over the babble and the scraping of heavy trunks. The first few carriages were already packed with students, some hanging out of the window to talk to their families, some fighting over seats. I pushed my trolley down the platform in search of an empty seat. I passed a round faced boy who was saying: "Gran, I've lost my toad again."_

**This is Neville.**

**Here is a little story.**

**Draco cast a spell on Neville and now he acts stupid.**

**Eventually, during this story, he will shake this off and join Rose-earlier than in the original universe.**

**From that point on Neville will be Ron, except smarter.**

**This author hates the Weaselys**

"_Oh Neville," I heard the old woman sigh._

**"**_**Jesus**_**, Neville, why are you **_**constantly acting like a RETARD**_**?"**

_A boy with dreadlocks was surrounded by a small crowd._

**Since I've got you here, let's talk about this.**

**Why do authors hate the Weaselys?**

**What did they do wrong?**

"_Give us a look, Lee, go on."_

**Why are they so reviled in the fandom?**

_The boy lifted the lid of a box in his arms and the people around him shrieked and yelled as something inside poked out a long hairy leg. _

**Seriously. Dumbledore, too. Why do they get the shaft?**

_I pressed on through the crowd until I found an empty compartment near the end of the train. I put Hedwig inside first and easily picked my trunk up but tripped as I tried to get in the train door. The trunk dropped painfully on my foot. _

"_Want a hand?" It was a red haired boy with his identical twin behind him. _

**I am going to do something that I have never done before.**

**I am going to skip this bit.**

**I am going to skip this bit because it is so dreadfully boring and most of it is book-copied.**

**I will summarize: They meet the Weaselys.**

**No sign of bashing.**

**I'm beginning to wish I did more of an HMS STFU style of MSTing.**

_The train began to move. I saw the boys' mother waving and their sister, half laughing, half crying, running to keep with the train until it gathered too much speed;_

**THEN, suddenly it turned out the Hogwarts Express had been outfitted with a BOMB that would go OFF if the train went under FORTY-FOUR MILES PER HOUR!**

**SPEED 5: IT'S ON A GODDAMN TRAIN**

**YIPPIE KI-YAY, JASON STATHAM.**

_and then she fell back and waved. I watched the girl and her mother disappear as the train rounded a corner._

**They dissapeared, and were neeever seeeen agaaaaiiin. Some say they still haunt this fanfiction.**

_Houses flashed past the window._

**That's illegal in seventeen states!**

_I felt a great leap of excitement._

**...is that a thing people say now?**

_I didn't know what I was going to – but it had to be better than what I was leaving behind. _

**Oh, irony.**

_The door of the compartment slid open and the youngest red headed boy came in._

**I suddenly long for what we left behind.**

"_Anyone sitting there?" he asked, pointing at the seat opposite me. "Everywhere else is full."_

_I shook my head and the boy sat down. He glanced at me and then looked quickly out of the window, pretending he hadn't looked. I saw he still had a black mark on his nose, and had to stifle a snigger._

**Guys, we should probably go back. We left our dignity at the Leaky Cau**_**waitvictoriassecret**_** the Dursley's house.**

"_Hey, Ron." The twins were back. "Listen, we're going to the middle of the train – Lee Jordan has a giant tarantula down there."_

"**It totally just ate six students! They're all Ravenclaws though, so nobody cared."**

"_Right," mumbled Ron._

**Could we please go look at the giant spider instead of this?**

"_Rose," said the other twin, "did we introduce ourselves? Fred and George Weasley. And this is Ron, our brother. See you later, then."_

**Yup, that pretty much sums up Fred and George's character.  
"This is our brother Ron. See you later."**

"_Bye," chorused Ron and me. The twins slid the compartment door shut behind them and departed giggling into their hands._

**NO**

**THEY DO NOT GIGGLE**

**GO BACK AND CHANGE THAT**

_The twins slid the compartment door shut behind them and departed __**laughing to themselves.**_

**BACK TO THE STORY**

"_Are you really Rose Potter?" blurted Ron out. I nodded. "Oh well, I thought it might be one of Fred and George's jokes," said Ron. "And have you really got – you know…" He pointed at my forehead. With a sigh, I pulled back my fringe_

**There it is again-the fringe.**

_to show the lightning scar. Ron stared._

"_So that's where You-Know-Who…?"_

"_Yes," I said, "but I can't remember it."_

"_Nothing?" said Ron eagerly._

"_Well I remember a lot of green light, but nothing else."_

**Maybe Hal Jordan killed them.**

"_Wow," said Ron. He sat and stared at me for a few moments, then, as though he had suddenly realised what he was doing, he looked quickly out of the window again, blushing a furious red._

**As opposed to a merely annoyed red. carry on.**

"_Are all your family wizards?" I asked. I found Ron interesting because I had never seen a loving family interact with one another before._

**THIS IS THE DIALOG YOU ARE WRITING, AUTHOR. THIS.**

**Skip skip skip, this line's really bad.**

_Percy got an owl from my dad for being made a Prefect, but they couldn't aff – I mean, I got Scabbers instead. _

_Ron's ears went pink. He seemed to think he said too much, because he went back to staring out of the window. I did not think there was anything wrong with not being able to afford an owl. _

**Let's acknowledge the fact that Rose Potter **_**cares**_** directly, without just letting it show through actions (which does not happen). I have often heard that the number one rule of writing is tell, don't show.**

_After all, I'd never had any money in my life until a month ago, and I told Ron so, all about having to wear Dudley's old clothes and never getting proper birthday presents. This seemed to cheer Ron up._

**"Hey, your life sucked worse than mine! Let's be pals.**

"…_until Professor McGonagall told me, I didn't know anything about being a witch or about my parents or Voldemort…" Ron gasped_

"_What?" I said._

"_You said You-Know-Who's name!" said Ron, sounding both shocked and impressed._

**Lines from the book with minor alterations. Praise. More praise. Ninja. Rose acts like a huge bitch. Praise. Life goes on.**

"_I'm not trying to be brave or anything, saying the name,_

**That's the funniest thing in this story yet.**

_but I just don't think there is a reason to fear saying the name of a thing, even something as evil as Voldemort," I said. _

_While they had been talking, the train had carried them out of London. Now they were speeding fields full of cows and sheep._

**I know I can stretch this story out longer and make it moooorrrrreee boooorrrrriiiinnnnng, but how?**

_They were quiet for a time, watching the fields and lanes flick past. Around half past twelve there was a great clattering outside in the corridor and a smiling, dimpled woman slid back their door and said: "Anything off the trolley, dears?"_

**Oh. Stuff from the book. Skippedyskip skip.**

**She eats. Includes the phrase, "quirk of a smile". And-oh my god, wait a minute.**

_Soon I had not only Dumbledore and Morgana, but Hengist of Woodcroft, Alberic Grunnion, Circe, Paracelsus and Merlin. I finally tore her eyes away from the _**druidess Cliodna,**_ who was scratching her nose, to open a bag of Bertie Bott's every flavour beans._

**That's not in the book, folks. That's **_**foreshadowing**_**.**

"_You want to be careful with those," Ron warned me. "When they say every flavour they mean every flavour – you get all the ordinary ones like chocolate, peppermint, and marmalade, but then you can get spinach and liver and tripe. George reckons he got a bogey-flavoured one once." I contorted my face in revulsion at the thought of that._

**I suddenly imagine circus acrobats.**

_Ron picked up a green bean, looked at it carefully and bit into a corner._

"_Bleaaargh – see? Sprouts."_

_They_

**Perspective failure. Yaaawn.**

_had a good time eating the Every-Flavour Beans. I got toast, coconut, baked bean, strawberry, curry, grass, coffee, sardine and was even brave enough to nibble at the end of a funny grey one that Ron wouldn't touch, which turned out to be pepper._

**Alright, that's your tagline "Rose Potter-She's so brave."**

_The countryside now flying past the window was becoming wilder. The neat field had gone. Now there were woods, twisting rivers and dark green hills. _

**I wish I was playing Skyrim right now...**

_There was a knock on the door of their compartment and the round faced boy I had passed on platform nine and three-quarters came in. He looked tearful. _

**I might have French toast for breakfast tomorrow...**

"_Sorry," he said, "but have you seen a toad at all?" When they shook their heads, he wailed, "I've lost him! He keeps getting away from me!"_

**God, where's the Rail Chaser when you need him?**

"_He'll turn up," I said encouragingly._

"_Yes," said the boy miserably. "Well, if you see him…" He left._

**excitement time**

"_Don't know why he's so bothered," said Ron. "If I'd brought a toad I'd lose it as quick as I could. Mind you, I bought Scabbers so I can't talk." The rat was still snoozing on Ron's lap. "He might have died and you wouldn't know the difference," said Ron in disgust. "I tried to turn him yellow yesterday to make him more interesting, but the spell didn't work. I'll show you, look…" He rummaged around in his trunk and pulled out a very battered looking wand. He had just raised his wand when the compartment door slid open again._

__**Ladd Russo. Please let it be him.**

_The toadless boy was back, but this time he had a girl with him._

**Her looks paled in comparison to mine, of course.**

_She was already wearing her new Hogwarts robes. _

"_Has anyone seen a toad? Neville's lost one," she said. She had a bossy sort of voice, lots of bushy brown hair and rather large front teeth. _

**I am much prettier than her, though.**

"_We've already told him we haven't seen it," said Ron, but the girl wasn't listening, she was looking at the wand in his hand. _

**...**

"_Oh, are you doing magic? Let's see it, then." She sat down. Ron looked taken aback._

"_Er – all right," mumbled Ron and cleared his throat. "Sunshine, daisies, butter mellow, Turn this stupid fat rat yellow." He waved his wand as he said this, but nothing happened. Scabbers stayed grey and fast asleep. It didn't sound like a spell I had heard of before. _

**Rose Potter knows ALL OF TEH SPELLS, of course.**

"_Are you sure that's a real spell?" said the girl. "Well, it's not very good is it? I've tried a few simple spells just for practice and it's all worked for me. Nobody in my family's magic at all, it was such a surprise when I got my Hogwarts letter, but I was ever so pleased, of course it's the best school of witchcraft there is, I've heard – I've learnt all our set books off by heart, of course, I just hope it will be enough – I'm Hermione Granger, by the way, who are you?"_

**Oh boy, here it comes...**

_She said all this very fast. I thought I was studious and academic, but it seemed I did not hold a candle to Hermione Granger._

**Wait for it...**

_I also thought that if you had a strength, you should not shove it other people's faces that you are better than them in that area._

**HOLY**

**SHIT**

_I looked at Ron and was relieved to see by his stunned face that he hadn't learned all the set books by heart either._

"_I'm Ron Weasley," muttered Ron._

"_Rose Potter," I said, wondering what reaction Hermione would have to it. _

**...praise?**

"_Are you really?" said Hermione. "I know all about you, of course – I got a few extra books for background reading, and you're in Modern Magical History and The Rise and Fall of the Dark Arts and Great Wizarding Events of the Twentieth Century."_

"_Am I?" I asked feeling dazed. _

**This chapter is pretty boring, but it proceeds to get worse at the end of chapter five, anyway.**

"_Goodness, didn't you know, I'd have found out everything I could if it was me," said Hermione. "Do either of you know what house you'll be in? I've been asking around and I hope I'm in Gryffindor, it sounds the best by far, I hear Dumbledore himself was one, but I suppose Ravenclaw wouldn't be bad either. Anyway we'd better go and look for Neville's toad. You two had better change into your robes, you know, I'll expect we'll be there soon." And she left taking the toadless boy with her._

**Do you know what I think the biggest problem with this story is, besides Rose Potter?**

"_Do you still want to turn your rat yellow Ron?" I asked with a small mischievous smile. Ron put his wand back into his trunk looking disgruntled. _

**even though she is still a big problem**

"_Yes, you mean you can? That spell was given to me by George, bet he knew it was a dud," muttered Ron. I pulled out my wand from my jeans pocket and giving a three quarters twirl said: "Croceus." A tight stream of multi-coloured magic spilled out onto Scabbers and soon enough the sleeping rat was coloured bright yellow like a tennis ball._

**and a colossal Mary Sue**

"_Wow, that was good," said Ron, but his mind seemed to be still on Hermione, "whatever house I'm in, I hope she's not in it."_

"_What house are your brother's in?" I asked. _

"_Gryffindor," said Ron. Gloom seemed to be settling on him again. "Mum and Dad were in it too. I don't know what they'll say if I'm not. I don't suppose Ravenclaw would be too bad, but imagine if they put me in Slytherin." _

**It is that often, a character will perform an action, and then Rose Potter will expound on **_**why**_** she thinks they performed that action.**

"_That's the house Voldemort was in?" Ron flinched at the name._

"_Yeah," said Ron, "but can you please not say the name."_

"_I will name the thing that killed my parents by its proper name," I said with steel in my voice. _

**Seriously, it happens all the time.**

**They talk about the Gringotts robbery, and then Draco enters.**

"_Oh, this is Crabbe and this is Goyle," said the pale boy carelessly, noticing where I was looking. "And my name's Malfoy, Draco Malfoy." I instantly wondered if he had ever seen a James Bond movie, but dismissed the idea._

**Rose Potter, master of wit and humor.**

_Ron gave a slight cough, which might have been hiding a snigger. Draco Malfoy looked at him. "Think my name's funny do you? No need to ask who you are. My father told me all the Weasley's have red hair, freckles and more children than they can afford." He turned back to me._

**My God, this scene goes on forever.**

"_You'll soon find out some wizarding families are much better than others, Potter. You don't want to go making friends with the wrong sort. I can help you there." He held out his hand to shake mine. It was the final straw in her ledger. Draco Malfoy was most definitely someone that would not be a friend; he was too stuck up, prejudiced, and full of himself. I did not take the offered hand._

**Thank you for reminding us that Draco Malfoy is prejudiced and narcissistic. What would we ever do without you, Rose?**

"_I think Malfoy, that when you can prove how better, different families are from one another, I might consider shaking that hand one day," I said coolly. Anyone with the intelligence to read between the lines knew that was as good as a in your face NO._

_Draco Malfoy did not go red, but a pink tinge appeared in his pale cheeks. _

**Crabbe and Goyle instantly began to beat her up.**

"_I'd be careful if I were you, Potter," he said slowly. "Unless you're a bit politer you'll go the same way as your parents. They didn't know what was good for them either. You hand around with riff-raff like the Weasleys and it'll rub off on you."_

_Both Ron and I stood up. Ron's face was as red as his hair. _

**It's not an HP fic if you don't have some metaphor involving the color of Ron's hair, eh?**

"_Say that again," he said furiously._

"_Oh, you're going to fight us, are you?" sneered Malfoy. _

**Oh boy, here it is:**

"_You impugn the honour of my parents Malfoy, and those of my friend,"_

**That is the most incredible thing I have ever read. That is going on my profile page right now.**

_I said with a voice so frigid the air was practically visible in front of my mouth, "leave."_

"_But we don't feel like leaving, do we, boys? We've eaten all our food and you still seem to have some." I could not believe that playground bullies existed in the wizarding world too,_

**Pot meet kettle, Rose.**

_stealing your lunch. Goyle reached towards the Chocolate Frogs next to Ron – in a blur I leapt in front of Ron and pushed against the chest of the heavy boy with a flat palm. _

**We know. **

**You're a goddamn NINJA.**

_Goyle seemed surprised to find himself flung backward off balance and into Malfoy and Crabbe. I also noticed that a yellow Scabbers had latched itself onto Goyle's finger and sunken its sharp little teeth into Goyle's knuckle and he gave a horrible yell. The big brute flung his arm round and round trying to get the rat to let go, Scabbers finally flew off and hit the window, all three of them left at once._

_A moment later Hermione Granger had come in._

**and momentum is killed**

"_What has been going on?" she said, looking at the sweets all over the floor and Ron picking up Scabbers by his tail. _

**Oh, sure, pick the rat up by its tail. That's what it will like.**

**Rose Potter explains about Malfoy, and then this:**

"_Ron, would you mind going outside? I do need to change," I said with a grin. It seemed it only now dawned on Ron that I was indeed a member of the opposite sex. I didn't blame Ron actually for thinking that, as I never had a chance to do the typical girly things as I grew up, another fault the Dursley's could be blamed for, so in effect I could probably consider myself a tomboy. Ron blushed as he walked outside to stand proverbial guard as I closed the window shutters and changed into my Hogwarts robes. We swapped places as Ron changed. _

**You might think this would be subtle foreshadowing towards perhaps a romantic relationship, but no, Ron is just stupid (and, um, gender-confused). This is a common trait he exhibits in this story.**

_I could see mountains and forest under a deep-purple sky._

**Aaand fi-yaaa in the sky-yyyy**

_The train did seem to be slowing down. A voice echoed through the train as I settled back in the compartment: "We will be reaching Hogwarts in five minutes time. Please leave you luggage on the train, it will be taken to the school separately."_

**A message on the magical PA system.**

**So, let's skip a bit. Rose is on a boat now, motherfucker, don't you ever forget.**

"_Heads down!" yelled Hagrid as the first boats reached the cliff; they all bent their heads and the little boats carried them through a curtain of ivy_

**Unfortunately, it was poison ivy. Rose suffered horrible rashes for weeks on end.**

_which hid a wide opening in the cliff face. They were carried along a dark tunnel which seemed to be taking them right underneath the castle, until they reached a kind of underground harbour, where they clambered out on to rocks and pebbles._

"_Oy, you there! Is this your toad?" said Hagrid, who was checking the boats as people climbed out of them. _

**So, I looked it up-Wizard=practitioner of ceremonial magic/magick**

**Warlock=Oath breaker. Now you know.**

"_Trevor!" cried Neville blissfully, holding out his hands. Then they clambered up the passageway in the rock after Hagrid's lamp, coming out at last on to smooth, damp grass right in the shadow of the castle. They walked up a flight of stone steps and crowded around the huge, oak front door._

"_Everyone here? You there, still got your toad?"_

_Hagrid raised a gigantic fist and knocked three times on the castle door._

**Alright, this ends that chapter. Now, the next chapter is where it gets interesting, because one of the things I have been mentioning repeatedly finally shows its ugly head at the end of chapter five. This chapter (and probably chapter five) might be boring compared to the other ones, because chapter six is where it gets into the swing of things, more or less. Expect more...eventually.**


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